Learn the Shit-Talking Game, Son

I love football. I think it is my favorite sport. Actually, you know what? It’s not! My favorite sport is shit-talking. Football is only around for a third of the year, but shit-talking is a year-round sport. There is no better feeling than getting off a nice quip. In my opinion, real men don’t physically fight each other. Violence isn’t good for anything except for movies. Real men and women (I want to be inclusive) fight their battles with razor sharp tongues.

Shit-talking, when done correctly is sport at its purest form. It requires intelligence, and sometimes a quick reaction time. (Don’t you hate it when later in the day you’re like ‘Ohh, I should have said that!’), It requires a fine balance of a potent offense and an opportunistic defense. That is why rap battles or roasts are so popular. They allow someone to show off their creativity, make people laugh or react in other amusing ways, and no one must go the hospital after. The only thing that gets hurt is someone’s feelings. There is literally nothing bad about it when done right.

I believe that we are living in troubled times. I worry that shit-talking is being destroyed by racists, politicians, overly-sensitive people and people who think they are funny but are not/ lack creativity. Shit-talking isn’t saying to someone “Hey, you’re a fat ass!” or “You smell like shit!” That isn’t funny or creative. That is just being mean, an asshole if you will. Yes, a good shit-talker must be somewhat of an asshole. I mean, these cracks must originate from some evil, inappropriate part of someone’s subconscious. A grizzled smack-talking vet knows the game and would never settle for rudimentary jabs. They know that if they are going to talk shit, that they will need to be able to receive it back. This doesn’t scare them! This doesn’t make them want to punch someone or report them to some authoritative figure. They look at it as an opportunity to retort and up their game. This is isn’t the end of the world, this is a challenge!! It’s on bitch!! Let’s do it!

The mystical art of comedic verbal warfare is in danger. It may be the biggest problem facing our world today. Social media has taken over. In the past, sassy exchanges had to take place at school, among friends or on the basketball courts (Where I used to school fools!) With apps, such as, Twitter, Facebook, etc. we now can talk trash to people all over the world!! You can type some shit, translate it in google and send it to someone in China! How amazing is that? It is wonderful- well it should be wonderful. However, this is all being ruined by overly sensitive people. Good luck making a joke about anything, anymore. Now every word that comes out of our mouths must be analyzed through a sensitivity filter. Make a fat joke and you are fat shaming. Make any joke about any race, you’re racist. This isn’t to discount racism in this world, but let’s stop taking ourselves too seriously. Most humor is based on making fun of someone or something. Have we lost the ability to tell the difference between hate and inappropriateness? I realize I am over-simplifying, but I think you get the point. Softies and some of the apps themselves are trying to censor and ruin good, wholesome fun.

When talking about the sensitive nature of people, I would be remiss not to mention sensitive people who attempt to talk shit. A true “talker of the shit” has no problem making fun of themselves, self-deprecation is an essential training tool, it thickens the skin and helps hone the craft. The “social media tough guys” who sling insults (Typically unfunny variations of your fat and smell like shit, etc.) will make fun of someone: their favorite sport teams or celebrities, with a quickness. However, as soon as they are challenged with a barb wittier than theirs, they either throw in a fuck you then block or tuck their tail between their legs and tattle…like little bitches. I can respect someone who mutes or blocks because they don’t enjoy the shit-talking experience. That is acceptable, and I can respect that, but if you engage in the exchange and then pull some dumb ass pussy shit, you probably taste your own juices when you masturbate. If you can’t take the heat, don’t participate. It’s that simple.

Let’s keep shit-talking alive and well. Stop being pussies. Stop running to mama. Put thought into your responses. Stop taking yourself so goddamn seriously. Stop reading too deeply into shallow comments meant to sting, but most importantly- FUCK THE MOTHERFUCKING JETS IN FIREMAN ED’S ASS!

P.S… To all you overly sensitive, reporting-ass Jets fans: You are fat and smell like shit.

Dolphins 69 Jets (-5)