Game of Inches

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A 4th & Inches Fan Fiction Novella


TABLE OF CONTENTS (Click to skip ahead):

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5



Chapter 1: A Change of Plans

Cold, barren, a land once lush with trees and fields of flowers as far as the eyes could see, was now nothing more than a memory of a better time, a time filled with hope and the promise of greater things to come. That dirty bastard ruined this magical place and without any resistance, his influence would continue to spread until the entire world was under his control. The months of travelling and countless battles had weighed heavily, mentally and physically on Sir Miike G’tsexi. As his horse galloped upon this desolate land, his mind raced, feverishly, thinking about friends and family he had lost along the way. Suppressing the thoughts of failure, that threatened to derail his crusade to save this land that he loved so dearly, became harder by the day. He longed to return home. The thought of shitting on his own toilet made it move a little. There was no time for fantasizing about being able to bare ass again, he needed to stay razor focused on the task at hand. As the leader of his band of misfits, the remnants of a squad that numbered in the hundreds, was now just three. This recruitment trip to the kingdom of Ghang Ghang would require him to maintain his whit’s, as recruiting strangers to join them, in what could amount to a suicide mission, was no easy task. He knew it would be almost impossible and take negotiation he wasn’t even sure he possessed, as he was merely a fighter, not a politician, but he was running out of time and options.
“Heeeeeeeel!!!” cried Tone in a panicked voice.

As the sound of tattered hooves dig into gravel to stop their forward momentum, Miike yelled out, “What the fawk Tone. What’s wrawng?” in his gravely Bausstonian accents.

“Miike, my bowels runneth over!!” he explained in a clenching pitch. He knew he only had a few moments before the unfathomable would happen, again.

“Why don’t you just shit on the horse again?” bellowed Vero Lowdermouf.

“You shit on a horse one time, and they never let you forget about it.” Tone thought to himself. “They don’t remember what led to this incident. But they, goddamn, remember the end result.”

“Ha Ha Ha…I would, but I am wearing my white robe today.” Tone responded sarcastically, as he hopped off his horse. He reached into his satchel and pulls out some powder, an acorn and a mysterious blue powder in a vial.
“What awwr ya doing?” Mike inquires.

“I am making a smoke bomb, so you guys can’t watch me shit. I don’t know if you guys noticed, but there aren’t any fucking trees left to hide behind, and I don’t want, Vero, looking at my dangling dick!” Tone retorts.

He drops his handmade concoction and exclaims” I shall return…bishes!!” as he disappears behind a curtain of smoke.

This colorful exchange amused Miike, causing him to chuckle, Vero, not so much. He thought to himself “I don’t wanna see his goddamn dick, besides, I have seen it, and I am not impressed.”

This unplanned break, slightly, agitated Miike. It seemed like they were constantly stopping for Tone to evacuate his bowels, but the more he thought about, the more he realized that part of his annoyance stemmed from his slight jealousy of him. Tone seemed to be able to shit at anytime or anywhere, with no sense of shame. Miike and Vero were not so free and clung strong to their “Code of the Bowels”. They could not bring themselves to shit behind a tree or in the buckets offered to them by people, kind enough to offer them shelter on their long journey. This way of thinking had resulted in great discomfort for, Miike, especially. It was almost unbearable riding over; particularly, rocky terrain. Ever step seemed to jostle the compacted intestinal log. Sooner or later it would rear its ugly head, and soon enough it wouldn’t just be Tone who shit on horse. He knew something had to be done. How do you stick to your code, yet detour your journey just so you can take a crap, after all, he was their leader he had a reputation to maintain? He had overcome much more dire situations. He would overcome this one too, he promised himself.

“Vero.” Says Miike,

“What the fuck do you want, my lord?” replies Vero.

“I was thinking. We should make a detour.”

“A detour? Where? Why?”

“We are only a day’s ride from Castle K’nat’ta. Their king is a great source of infawmation, as he has spies throughout the kingdom. We need as much help as we can get, and he may awffa intel that may be invaluable to our quest?”
“But how valuable is this information, if it isn’t correct?”

“Vero, we aw smawt men. We have dealt with this jackass befaw. We can tell when he has useful infawmation, or if he is just blowing smoke up aw ass.”

“If you say so. At least they have a nice pub. I could go for a night of drinking and whoring. Your mom still working at the brothel? I miss her.” Vero says with a smile and a laugh.

“Very funny.” Miike replies.

His plan had worked!! He knew, deep down, that very little information would be gathered from this trip; however, he knew the that kings castle had immaculate bathrooms, with freshly washed sheets of silk to line the seat. The thought of this brought him the kind of joy he hadn’t experienced in a long time. While this trip may be somewhat selfish in nature, he knew that if this toilet basilisk was everything he hoped it would be, it would make him lighter on his feet, which would be invaluable if they come across any unexpected battles along the way. Besides, if he felt like he was going to pop, Vero was probably feeling the same way. Yes, this was for the good of the group and humanity, possibly. Just as he was finishing his thoughts, the wind picks up, completely dissipating Tone’s smokescreen, exposing a naked Tone, wipng his ass with what looks like a clumped-up ball of twigs, moss and dried leaves.

“Oh shit!” squeals Tone.

“Why the fawk aw you naked?” Miike inquires.

“I wanted to be comfortable.” Tone replies.

“I can see your dick Tone!!” boasts Vero as he bursts out in laughter.

“Yeah, you know you like it.” Tone mumbles to himself.

“What was that?” Vero says in an agitated tone.

“What the fawk guys? Can we cut this shit out?” Miike says to diffuse the situation.

Tone heaves the shit covered twig ball over Vero’s head, an action that infuriates Vero.

“I’m gonna whip your little wizard ass!!” Vero yells.

“What did you say? You’re gonna lick my ass? First you stare at my cock, now you threaten to lick my ass?” Tone replies.

He knew that dwarves were macho creatures who were easily rattled by jokes or comments questioning their sexual orientation or masculinity. This was not lost on Tone, and that is why he was constantly pushing Vero’s buttons. It was way too easy and never got tiresome, to him anyways. This did not amuse the others quite as much.

“Faw the love of the gawds can we cut this shit out? Tone, wawsh ya hands and put ya robe on. We aw headed to Castle K’nat’ta.”

“Cool, I need more magic bud, and Vero needs more magic butt…”

“Tone stawp!!” Miike says, cutting him off before Tone can finish his last quip.

Tone sprinkles a special powder, he had concocted, on his hands and lights it. After the “horse shitting incident” he had become concerned with sanitizing his hands after every poop. The lighting of the powder evaporated the shit particles on his hands without leaving any scars, washing with water was a waste of resources and not nearly as effective. Once, he had tried using this same trick on his penis: after a two-day sex bender with a, questionable, female half-orc. It did not go as well as he had hoped. It seemed to fuse her orc juice to his magic wand, resulting in it taking on a greenish hue for days. He was convinced that the color of his penis had changed permanently, but he wasn’t sure. Maybe he should stop partaking in the magic bud, after all. “Nah, fuck it.” he thought to himself and hopped on his horse.

“Can we fawking go now, Tone?” Miike said in an irritated tone. The thought of a being able to use a clean toilet had let down his guard, and he feared it may have awakened the colon serpent, and if that happened, he may be defenseless against it.

The three rode off into the horizon, headed towards their next destination, Castle K’nat’ta!



Chapter 2: A Shart in the Dark

The town had fallen fast. They stood no chance. The Baer Aseur’s legions were just too strong. The strategic planning was executed with extreme precision: Waves of flaming arrows rained down on the small settlement. When they fled their homes they were either captured, or eviscerated by Aseur’s Berserker’s, whose great size and thirst for blood, allowed them to carve someone to pieces in a matter of seconds. They would continue to butcher people, without abandon, until they were instructed to stop by Jhordiin Makk, also known as “The Cleaver’. The Aseur’s highest ranking “War Monger”.

His grisly actions over the years caused men to shit themselves, at the mere mention of his name. His history of bloodshed was more than just mere brutality. He was smart, incredibly smart. Not only did he possess the physical tools and exceptional combat abilities, but he had a keen mind for strategy. He was a rare breed and an essential tool in his master’s success.

“So stupid! This is easily the dumbest place yet!” Jhordin thought to himself. While he wasn’t complaining about this rousing success, he was disappointed that he didn’t break a sweat or get to disembowel anyone. There was no time for personal satisfaction. He had work to do. They needed to quench the fires, collect any salvageable resources, and gather up the surviving townspeople and put them to work. He knew that his master would be arriving shortly, and he didn’t want to disappoint him. You never disappoint him!

_________

“So, do you guys ever think about time? Like, do you think it’s possible to travel back in time or go forward in time.?” Inquired Tone.

“Oh, my fucking gods!! Will you please shut the fuck up? All you talk about is the dumbest shit!” yelled Vero, “You know what I think about time?”

Vero lifted his leg and released a blast of gas that sounded like a squealing pig stuck in a vat of half melted butter. A fart so exquisite, that even though it was vile and vulgar, it was rather impressive, for it’s impressive vocal range was accompanied by a stench that was its very equal! It could be described as nutty and robust, with a hint of curried goat.

“Bwahaha, who shit on the horse now, Vero?” said Tone with excitement.

“I didn’t shit my trousers! You wanna check?!” said an angry Vero.

“I bet you do want me to look in your pants, you pervert!” joked Tone.

“Oh, you goddamn motherfucker!” yelled Vero.

“Maww gawds! What is wrong with you guys?” said Miike. Not only was he tired of their constant back and forth. He was still struggling with his internal gastrointestinal turmoil. He wanted to fart so bad, but he hadn’t been able to trust one for weeks. Maybe just a little tester fart would be okay, but they were so close to castle K’nat’ta. He knew that this journey would require taking some risks. This was not one of those times. He would clench his cheeks and soldier on.

“I see it!” yelled out Vero.

It wasn’t a spectacular looking city- a bunch of small huts, a couple of merchant stands and a pub that all surrounded a gaudy castle that was littered with scaffolding. King K’nat’ta was constantly remodeling or adding new wings to his castle. He was filthy rich, and he owned several “Dragon Ore” mines, the most valuable resource in the entire land. He seemed to have unlimited amounts of money and wasn’t afraid to spend it. How the riches were spent was the real mystery. With such immense wealth, one would think his kingdom would have one of the biggest and best armies, yet he had a small crew of mercenaries- while some of the best warriors in the land, they could easily be toppled by the smallest of armies. It was nothing short of a miracle that his kingdom had yet to be toppled, but the king preferred to buy dumb shit. Artifacts, rare spices, and foods that he didn’t even like to eat, flashy jewelry, and other frivolous things. His castle reeked of excess and indecisiveness. It was as if the castle was designed and built by twenty different builders, as it probably was. While the king wasn’t a tyrant, it was very apparent he was more concerned with himself than the people he lorded over. They weren’t living in their own shit, but they could be living a much more comfortable lives.

“Can we make stop at my bud’s house before we go to the castle? He-he, get it? Like bud, as in friend and as in magic bud.” Chuckled Tone.

“Oh, my gawd!” moaned Miike.

“Fuck you and your entire family!” scolded Vero.

“Geesh, tough crowd. I’ll take that as a no.” he responded despondently.

“We came here with a purpose. Afta we talk to the king you can do whateva ya want for the rest of the night. Deal?” said Miike.

“Totes!” said Tone, as the three approached the guardhouse of the castle in a slow, non-threatening manner.

“Who goes there!” inquired the guard in a firm, assertive tone.

“It’s Sir Miike G’tsexi! I am here to speak to the king.”

“I was not made aware of your arrival, so kindly fuck off!” said the guard.

“What did you fucking say!” said an irritated Vero, reaching for his dwarven hammer.

“Keep your cool Vero!” Miike said to Vero in a hushed tone. He knew if Vero killed the guard, he would have no chance of shitting in the lap of luxury tonight, and that was not an option. “I un’dastand he is nawt expecting us, but please send someone to cawntact him. I am sure he will speak to us.”

“What’s in it for me?” asked the guard.

“Vero will suck your dick… real good!” quipped Tone.

“Ok, but since he is a dwarf it isn’t gay.” Said the guard.

“Fuck you Tone… and fuck him!” yelled Vero as he proceeded to charge the guard, tighten up his fist, and knock the guard out.

“What the fawk?” yells Miike.

“Relax, Miike. By the time he wakes up, we will be done with whatever the fuck we are here for, anyways.” Replied Vero.

“Fair enough.” Said Miike.

Tone was delighted by Vero’s actions. “You knocked the shit out of him… Worldstar!”

For being such an enormous castle, it was ridiculously easy to enter and move about. Other than that inept guard Vero knocked out, there was not another security guard in sight.

“How fucking stupid is this fucking King?! Doesn’t he realize that the world is burning to ash around him? He can’t be bothered to have anyone protecting him or his home? I mean, we should just take the castle and use it as a stronghold against the advancing hordes.” said Vero.

“Vero, if we do that, we aw no better than that piece of shit that we aw trying to stawp.” Said Miike.

“That’s fine, I honestly don’t care. I am running out of shits to give.” replied Vero.

“You have plenty of farts to give, though.” Said Tone.

Vero didn’t even respond. It was obvious he was over it.

“You guys notice that all these paintings in here are portraits of the king, or of him in battle?” said Tone

“Yes, I noticed, but I am not surprised.” Said Miike.

“Look at this one! He is boning a naked girl while riding a horse, as he is fighting a three-headed dragon!” If we conquer this castle I am taking that painting and hanging it in my smoke hut!” said Tone.

“It looks like something you would see painted on the side of a battle wagon, to be honest. “said Miike.

Vero remained silent as they traversed the halls of the castle. Like all dwarves, Vero was prone to bouts of moodiness. When he got like this, the best thing to do was let him work it out internally, then get him shit-faced hammered.

They finally arrived at the doors of the king’s court. ‘There are still no gawds’, Miike thought to himself. “How is there no security. This is ridiculous.” He said as he pushed open the doors, and the trio entered.

“How the fuck did you get in here!” yelled the king. The tall knight standing next to his throne, reached for his sword in an attempt to protect his king.

“Oh wait…I know these guys!” said the king, “How the fuck did you get in here?”

The three approached the king.

“Excuse me, my lawd! We have come asking for your help.” Said Miike.

“In the presence of a king, you should be kneeling, and only one of you is kneeling right now!” said the kind

“Oh fu-” said Vero as Miike quickly put his hand over his mouth to silence him.

“Relax Vero. I know you aren’t kneeling. You’re just short, like a little child.” Said the king, as he began to laugh hysterically. “Not only am I the king, but I am the funniest person ever, unbelievably funny. Isn’t that right Haggy?”

Haggy was the king’s right-hand man. He protected the king, carried out important missions and other dirty jobs the king demanded. He was also the king’s whipping boy. Haggy’s real name was Haag Loor, a dashingly handsome man, with flowing blond hair and a chiseled chin that looked like it could carve stone. Many years ago, he had traveled from an impoverished land, far away, looking for an opportunity for a better life. All those years of hard work and sacrifice, just to be reduced to being King Prick’s bitch. The years had worn him down and it showed in his sunken eyes and lifeless body posture.

The three knelt.

“There, was that so hard? You may all stand! Do you need a stool Zero?” said the king, hitting Haggy on the arm in a playful gesture, as a way of congratulating himself on another humorous comment. “I’m on fire! Alright, what do you guys want?

“Fuck you! You’re a stool!” Vero blurted, sounding extremely irritated.

“Do you kiss your mother with that dirty mouth?” The king inquired cockily.

“Just other men’s penises!” Blurted out Tone. Which he instantly kind of regretted, but it was too easy, and he would have been kicking himself later if he didn’t say it.

Vero was pissed. The King was highly amused. Miike was thinking of ways he could kill himself right then, but he knew if he dropped dead on the floor that his bowels would release, and he would grow a two-foot sewer tail. This is not how he wanted people to remember him, even though the thought of not being surrounded by these assholes anymore may have been worth it.

“Alright, Gawdammit!! Are you gonna help us or nawt?” Miike was so tired of all this shit, literally and figuratively.

“Oh, pardon me, Miike. Did I trespass into your home and interrupt your day? I apologize. I will try to be more respectful next time. I do, however; have information that could greatly benefit you guys. I am a merciful king and will gladly give you this information. If…”

“Fuck me! Why is there always an if. Every goddamn time…if…if…if.” Miike thought to himself.

“…you guys do something for me. By the way, fuck you guys for not noticing that I am sitting next to an empty throne. You guys can’t show enough compassion to ask me where my lovely queen is? Am I the only one who is capable of caring about other people’s feelings, other than my own?” The king was laying it on thick. The bullshit he was spewing was so thick you could almost smell it.

“What do you want us to do? We don’t have a’lawt of time!” said Miike.

“Find her!! You dense idiot! For the love of the gods, was it not obvious? Find my goddamn queen and bring her ass home!” the king’s face was turning red as he became more agitated. “I will give you shelter, food, and drink for the night. When you return with my lovely bride, I will give you so much information your heads will spin. This information is so good, so unbelievably good- it’s the best information ever! Then you guys can get the fuck out of here.” The king extended his hand.

Miike knew that if he shook his hand the deal could not be broken, and if he reneged, him and his companions would instantly become wanted men, which would make their mission that much harder. However, if he didn’t take the deal, he knew this demon spawn in his belly would keep growing, and that was something he wasn’t ready to let happen.

Miike approached the king and extended his hand. The king grabbed it and pulled Miike towards him, a few inches from his face.

“If you fuck this up, you will regret ever being born.” The king said in the most serious of tone. He wasn’t playing around.

Miike pulled back his hand “I’ll find ya brawd!” he said.

“Oh, by the way. The guest qwatters are unavailable. I am building a recreation room for myself.” The king said. “You will be staying in the servants’ qwatters.”

“Noooooooooooooo, that motherfucker!!” Miike thought to himself. He couldn’t believe it. His guts began to rumble, it was if the stinky snake inside him was laughing with glee. Where does he go from here?

“Owt’Houtz!! Show these men and the hairy midget to their qwatters!” ordered the king.

_______________


Chapter 3: A Knight of Leisure

*Squeak…Squeak…Squeak* The sounds of little wheels, in desperate need of lubrication, could be heard echoing down the hall.

“Hurry up, Houtz! Why are you taking so long to get here!” Scolded the king.

“I’m coming me lord..” he replied, as he mumbled under his breath “Ill get there when I get there, you donkey’s dick.”

“What the fuck is that!” Vero blurted out, as he was completely caught off guard by the appearance of the creature that entered the throne room.

“Holy Shit, Vero!! That’s a D’orc. I have never seen one in person!” blurted Tone.

“Mind yaw mannaws, you fawks. Show some respect!” Miike demanded.

They nodded in agreement.

D’orcs were unnatural creatures. They were created around a hundred years ago by a pair of high wizards; not high as in ranking, but high as in stoned as fuck. This bumbling pair of ‘pointed hat dipshits’ were constantly challenging each other. They would shrink each other, teleport houses to other dimensions or make large objects disappear in their buttholes. Perhaps, not all of their challenges were magical in nature. Their antics annoyed many people, but for the most part they were harmless.

Much like science, the magical arts require a certain bit of experimentation, and can sometimes result in interesting outcomes, such as creating an entire race of creatures. One minute you have a small farm settlement- two bong hits later, and a wager that one wizard couldn’t make his penis enlarge to twenty times its normal size- and you have a town full of immortal, blue-skinned creatures with monstrous genitals.

Unfortunately for male D’orcs, their penises are almost non-existent. Their scrotums, however, are massive, and in many cases they need to use tools or other means to keep them from dragging on the ground when they walk. Many of them practice testicle stretching techniques, so they can just toss them over their shoulders like a knapsack. This undesirable deformity made most of them sticky and stinky, as getting a grip on such a small pecker was a challenging task. Most of them just pissed ‘hands free’ and let the urine trickle down their veiny meat bags.

The women had it better, or worse, depending on how you looked at it. Their clitorises were the size of large rats, and extremely sensitive- almost anything set them off- leaving them practically bedbound, and trapped in their own orgasmic nightmares. This was one of the many reasons why D’orcs were never seen by most people. They kept to themselves in their small settlements in the middle of nowhere. Owt’Houtz, like Haggy before him, was unsatisfied with his boring life. It lacked any meaning, and so he sought out a life of adventure. A couple bad decisions later, and he was cleaning the king’s privy and wiping his royal ass.

Owt’Houtz was blue and gangly, had bushy green hair, and pushed a little cart in front of him that transported his balls.

“Thanks for sticking up for me, whoever you are, but it’s okay. I understand that my hefty meat monsters are quite a surprise to strangers.” sighed Houtz.

Tone had so many questions he wanted to ask him, but kept them to himself.

“Mutton Balls, take them to their qwatters and let Mattias at the Weckniird know that they can eat and drink whatever they want tonight, but only tonight! I am not made out of money, but I do have a shitload of it.” said the king with a pompous smirk, while looking at the men before him. He extended his arm to get a fist bump from Haggy, which was given reluctantly.

“Yes, me lord, at once.” said Houtz, as he wheeled past the three men and made a wide turn, as his wagon required a large turning radius, so that he was facing the same direction as they were. “Follow me.” he said as he started walking and squeaking down the hall.

The servant’s quarters were not the worst place to stay. The beds were much more comfortable than sleeping on the ground. The rooms were ventilated well enough, at night it maintained a refreshing, cool breeze.

“I can’t wait to sleep in an actual bed.” Said Tone.

“I can’t wait to eat a fucking steak and drink some fucking alcohol.” Said Vero loudly.

“I just want to drop some knotted rope down the well.” Miike thought to himself.

“Let’s go get fuckin’ drunk!” Hollered Vero

“Hell yeah, and get some of that herb!” Said Tone

“Awright guys. I will meet you there in a few. I gawt something to do.” Said Miike.

Vero and Tone rushed out the door with smiles on their faces. It was the first time Miike could remember them smiling in such a long time. He wanted to share that joy with them, but this compacted mound of swamp mud in his guts kept that from happening. He was gonna solve that problem right now. He ripped off three strips of material from the bed.

“This will make an excellent ass-gasket!” he thought to himself

Miike walked down the halls as if it was in slow motion. He knew it was time. He was gonna get that relief, finally. There it was, the door to the lavatory. It looked like the gates of heaven, at that particular moment. He extended his hand to open the door.

“Arrrgghl Arrghh…move!” Miike was pushed to the side by a big, hairy creature that seemed to be in a state of panic. It opened the door and slammed it behind him.

*Ploooop…plang…pklop…. pakloop…. pleeep…. plop…*

“It sounds like he is throwing old stew down the toilet.” Miike thought to himself.

The hissing, squelching sounds continued. They were accompanied by grunts, sounds of relief and the occasional whistle and murmured song lyric. Then the smell came. A smell so foul that even Vero would bow down in defeat; a wretched odor that smelled like pure hate. If the devil took a shit, this is what it would smell like.

“Fawwwwwwwwwwwwk!” Miike yelled out. “I fawking give up!” There was no way he was gonna use that toilet now. The rage inside did, however, chase the brown beast away, for now, so he decided to cut his losses and meet up with his companions at the Weckniird.

“Vero, we need to make a quick stop.” Said Tone, as they were walking down the street.

“What-fuckin’-ever! Meet me there, you dumb shit.” Said Vero, as he and Tone parted ways.

Tone’s destination was not hard to spot. It was the one house with the mysterious green mist coming out of it, which was accompanied by a strong pungent smell. Tone knocked on the door.

“Who a goes a there. I a said, who a goes a there?” came from behind the door.

“Mysterium, it’s me, Tone!”

A little slot on the door opened up, exposing two red eyes behind the door.

“What is a the password. I said, what is a the password?” said the stranger behind the door.

“I fucked your mom while your dad watched?” said Tone.

They both started laughing out loud. The little slot on the door slammed shut and the door swings wide open.

“Come a in Tone!” said a welcoming Mysterium, as he hugged Tone in an almost homo-erotic way.

“Bae Mysterium, the magic man. Long time no see! But why are you talking all weird?” said one.

“It’s a this a new a magic bud. It a makes a me add ‘A’s’ a randomly when I a speak.” Said Bae.

“By any chance you got some that I can procure for my long journey?”

“Yeah a man. I a got you. You a want to hit some a crazy shit before you a go?” said Bae.

“Does a dragon shit fireballs? Of course, I do!”

Bae pulled out his bubbling chalice and packed it with a mysterious blend of herbs and spices and handed it to Tone.

“Company a first.” Said Bae

Tone lit it up, inhaling a deep breath of the mysterious concoction.

“Wow, this shit is goo..” Tone’s voice trailed off as he passed out, tumbling to the floor.

“Yes, it a is.” Said Bae with a devilish grin on his face.

_______

“Chug..Chug..Chug!!” chanted the men at the bar, as Vero downed another giant stein of beer. They all high-fived each other as Vero ordered another.

“Get me another pint of grog, Pussy Face!” said Vero. ‘Pussy Face’ was in reference to Mattias, the owner and bartender at the Weckniird. He was a Cyplops, a race of creatures with one tiny eye and a vertical mouth. With Mattias’ curly red hair, these features made his face resemble a vagina.

“At least you didn’t call me a ginger pussy.” Mattias replied.

“Get me another pint of grog, Ginger Pussy Face!” retorted Vero, to the amusement of his newly befriended bar buddies.

“What the fawk, Vero, you drunk already?” said Miike as he approached the bar.

“TWO pints of grog, Ginger Pussy Face!” bellowed Vero.

Mattias brought them their beverages and asked if they wanted anything to eat.

“I eat pussy! Even ginger ones!” said Vero as he stuck out his tongue, simulating oral sex performed by a toothless horse.

“We’ll take two steaks, please. I apologize for my friends behav’aw, it’s been a lawng couple of months.” Said Miike.

“I understand.” Said Mattias, “Bruuuuuunk!”

The doors from the kitchen swung wide open, and a lumbering orc, with the grace of a drunk rhino, walked toward Mattias.

“Brunk!” said Brunk.

“Two steak dinners for the gentlemen, please.”

“Brunk, Brunk!” said Brunk as he nodded and headed back to the kitchen.

Miike took a sip from his drink and asked Vero if he had seen Tone.

“He’s probably smoking magic bud out of some guy’s peehole right now!” laughed Vero.

“Right!” said Miike, knowing that Vero was probably the worst person to ask any question at that point in time. Miike took another sip, turned around and rested his back against the bar, observing his surroundings while he attempted to relax.

“I once was single.

I once was happy.

But now I have 12 kids,

Now my life is crappy.

I once could dream,

But now all I can do is scream.

Now I am treated like trash,

And my penis has an incurable rash.”

“Who the fawk is that singing?” asked Miike

“Oh, That’s Kreepay Sirton. He used to be a world-renowned musician, but just like everybody else in this town, the king got ahold of him and sucked his soul right out . Well, to be honest, it probably has more to do with his wife and countless kids, but still, fuck the king.” Answered Mattias.

*Plink…plink…plink…plang…plink* were the sounds emanating from the instrument’s strings, as Sirton seemed to be plucking on them forever.

“Does he do that aftah every song?” asked Miike.

“Yes, songs that should be no longer than a couple minutes can go on for 10 minutes or more. One time he went on for over an hour.” Said Mattias.

“Ok…” Miike replied and took another sip. “Listen, Mattias. Do you have any leads on where the queen is? The king has tasked me with finding her.”

“I wish I could help, but I am merely a small business owner trying to survive.” Responded Mattias. His was response was immediately proceeded by a thud and a bang.

“Brunk…food…Brunk!” shouted Brunk as he wobbled over to the bar and plopped down two plates in front of Vero and Miike.

Miike thought to himself ‘What the fuck is this? It’s a burnt hunk of meat with a singular piece of asparagus on top. How the hell am I gonna eat this crap?’.  He turned to his left and saw Vero with half of the steak hanging out of his mouth, as if he was inhaling it.

“Do you have any catsup?” Miike asked.

“We sure do, and two special drinks to go with your meals.” Said Mattias.

“Cheers, Vero! To the adventures that await!”

Miike and Vero raised their glasses and swallowed the drinks in one large gulp.

“That is pretty goooooo…” Miike fell to the floor before he could finish his sentence.

“What the fuuuuu…” mumbled Vero, falling to the ground shortly after.



Chapter 4: Three Dangling Dicks….

“Miike…Miike..Miiiiiiiiiike.” said Tone in a whispered voice.

“What the..” Miike thought to himself as he slowly opened his eyes. He tried to shake away his blurred vision. His head was pounding. His thoughts were cloudy. “What the hell is going on?”

As Miike gathered his wits he became concerned.

“What happened? “

“Where am I? Oh shit! Why is everything upside down?” It didn’t take Miike too long to realize that he was hanging upside down in some random cave.“That one-eyed fuck drugged me!”

He tried to survey his surroundings. As he turned his head to the right he was greeted by a shit-eating grin.

“Sup, bruh?” Tone said in a nonchalant voice.

“How lawng have you been awake?” said Miike.

“About 30 minutes. I tried waking up Vero, but he is not waking up. He is probably dreaming about dicks, to be honest.”

“30 minutes? How the hell have you been able to hang here upside down without trying to get down?”

“I kind of enjoy the headrush- besides- I tried for a couple minutes and I had no luck, so I gave up. But hey, check out Vero’s dick! That fucking thing is enormous. The tip reaches his lips- Look!”

“Tone! I am nawt gawna look at his cawk..oh shit!! That hawg is mawnstrous!”

“I know, right? Look how it dances on his lips as he snores!”

Miike was aggravated at himself that he was being drawn into Tone’s twisted sense of humor, but the sight was mesmerizing. He looked past Tone and noticed that Vero was hanging right next to him. Every time Vero exhaled during a snore it would lightly push the tip of his penis away from his lips, but it would thunderously come crashing back with every inhale. It was like an intricate dance routine. It was something you could lose yourself in for hours, but they didn’t have the time… They needed to escape this treacherous situation.

“Tone, we need to figyaw out how to get out of this situation. What do we know? We aw all hanging upside down. Aw hands aw tied behind aw backs, and we aw in a gently lit, giant cave.”

“These ropes are pretty tight. I tried trying to untie them, but I was unable to get anywhere.”

“Maybe if we can move around we can rotate aw bawdies and we can untie each othah’s ropes. I think we aw close enough to reach.” Said Miike.

“I think that may work. Let’s try to gyrate our bodies so we can line up our hands.” Said Tone.

“Ok. Oh shit! I just realized we aw all naked. What the fawk!” said Miike.

They both started to wiggle. Miike’s body started turning clockwise and Tone’s started turning counterclockwise. Before they knew it, they were face to face. This wasn’t going exactly as planned. Instead of hand to hand, they were eye to eye…and tip to tip! As they dangled there staring into each other’s eyes, they realized that the bottom of each other’s penis heads were touching each other. Their sweaty bodies were causing them to stick together.

“Oh, my fawking gawd!” said Miike.

Tone, less embarrassed, said “It’s okay, we are buds. No one will ever know. It’s just an accident.”

At that moment, a round of uncontrollable laughter could be heard from the shadows below.

“Bwahahahahaha!!”

“Who the fawk is there!” said Miike, as he whipped his body in a jerking motion, disengaging the tip of his penis from Tone’s. He darted his eyes around his surroundings in a determined, focused manner.

“For fawk’s sake!” he blurted out as he noticed standing underneath them was that big-balled fucker, that goddamn guitar player, that one-eyed ginger pussy, and some fucking burnt-out looking son-of-a-bitch.

“Ok, guys. What the fawk is going on?!” Demanded Miike.

“Yeah!” said Tone with a fake-ass supporting lilt.

“Someone wants to speak with you.” Said Mattias.

“Can you cut us down at least?” said Miike.

“Not our call.” Said SirTon.

A hooded figure emerged from the darkness.

“Silence!” he said.

“Who the fawk are you?” said Miike.

Vero continued to dangle there in his drug induced slumber. Dwarves could out drink any man, but they were very susceptible to drugs, due to their diminutive size. Drugs seemed to last longer in their systems. This was a plus for Stone dwarfs- they could buy the cheap magic bud and get high as a fairy’s titty.

The hooded figure lifted his hands and flipped back his hood.

“Holy Shit!” said Miike and Tone in unison.

“Surprised to see me?” said the King.

“What the fawk are you doing here? Why did you send us out to find yaw queen? Why are you here? What the fawk is going on?” said Miike.

“That wasn’t me at the castle, you dumb shits! The queen isn’t missing! She is the one who sent you out on this farce of a quest!”

“Am I just really high, or is this one strange situation we find ourselves in?” asked Tone.

“Probably, yes, and yes.” Said Miike. His mind was racing. As a leader of this ragtag bunch, he was always trying to keep his cool and assess the situation. This time; however, he noticed his mind was drifting. While his head was hurting and he felt light-headed, he couldn’t help but appreciate that hanging upside down was a little relieving. The chunky demon in his guts seemed to be sliding further away from his anus, but then he began to worry. Would this monster keep traveling, and slide up through his throat and out his mouth? No, that’s just silly, he thought. It was probably just a side effect of all the blood rushing to his head.

“Listen! I apologize that you feel uncomfortable! Hanging you guys upside down has its purpose. The naked part, however, is just these guys’ idea of a joke.”

“Aw’right, can you please enlighten us, and tell us what the fawk is going on?” pleaded Miike.

“I will tell you guys what is going on later. We have a more pressing issue, if you’d kindly shut the fuck up and listen. I will let you guys down very quickly. If you don’t follow my orders and listen to what I have to say, I will have to kill you, though. as it could threaten to destroy my plans of stopping the Baer Aseur. I can not let that happen.” Said the King.

Miike was taken back by the king’s conviction and commanding tone. This was the first time he ever felt any amount of respect for him. Why did it take him losing his kingdom to start acting like a king? “Go on.” Miike responded.

“You guys are hanging upside down, because one of you has a tracking creature inside you.” Said the King.

“What? That’s gross!! I have a monster in my tummy?” blurted out Tone.

“The more times you interrupt me the longer it’s going to take and the more pissed off I am going to get. Can I please talk for two seconds without being interrupted? – Thank you. So, at some point of your journey someone slipped this creature inside you. The Baer Aseur has been tracking your movements ever since. I am not sure why he just didn’t kill you guys. I guess he had a use for you, but apparently you got a little too close, and he changed his mind. We can discuss this later. Have any of you been experiencing any gut problems?”

Miike could feel his butthole pucker. Could this monstrous dook that had been causing him such distress be an actual monster? He felt embarrassed to confess to the room. His anxiety level began to rise as he started to fear what the extraction process would entail.

“It’s not me. I have been slaying someone monster logs. As soon as they drop out of my backdoor dungeon my stomach feels instantly better!” proudly boasted Tone.

“I am pretty shawr it is me.” Said Miike solemnly. “I can’t remembah the last time I took a shit and my stomach has been killin’ me. It doesn’t feel right.”

“Sounds about right. Besides, I don’t think he would implant it in the dwarf. Their intestines aren’t the most effective environment to promote its rapid growth. Ok, listen! We are going to let you down. Tone first, then Vero, then yourself. We will let you down last as we need to get to work quickly. You are gonna drink a potion and then we are going to tie you to this table. Then Bae and Tone are going to enter the spiritual realm to defeat this beast. We need to use the wizards, as the battle will be fought with magic. Magic firebolts and other spells are the only way to defeat it. It will be essentially a battle of the minds.” Said the King.

“Battle of the minds? With those two dumbasses? Is this the only way?” said a panicked Miike.

“We could cut open your stomach and you will die instantly. Does that work for you?” said the King.

“Fawk no. Okay, let’s do it?”

“Do both of you understand the instructions?”

“Yes!” Tone and Bae responded in unison.

Mattias released the rope and slowly lowered Tone.

“How are we going to wake up Vero?” inquired Tone.

Mattias released the rope and dropped Vero on his head.

“Fuck, what the fucking fuck!!” shouted Vero as he jumped to his feet so fast that his dick slung up and tapped him on the cheek.

“Settle down Vero! We have a shit monster we have to kill!” said Tone.

“A fucking shit monster? What the-? What are these assholes doing here? Big Balls, The musician? Ginger Puss- You fucking drugged me you orange-haired prick!” Vero launched himself at Mattias, but Tone threw himself in front of him. Vero and Tone collided with such force that Vero’s dick swung up between Tone’s legs and slapped him on the butt. Vero fell on top of Tone in a missionary position, his penis pinned between the floor and Tone. He was concerned that the tip of his penis may have penetrated Tone’s pucker slot.

Vero and Tone were face to face laying on the ground.

“You probably like this. Don’t you?” joked Tone.

The entire room erupted with laughter. Vero wasn’t laughing, nor was Miike, who was still dangling overhead.

“Fawking hell. Vero settle the fawk down and listen to these guys. Please!” pleaded Miike.

Vero retracted his penis from between Tone’s legs. “Fine! I will do this for Miike, but this isn’t fucking over between us, Ginger Pussy Face!” as he got in Mattias’s face, before retrieving his clothes.

“Houtz, get the box!” said the king

Squeak…squeak..squeak- Owt’Houtz lifted the box and rested it on his balls and walked towards the king. Squeak..squeak..squeak

“I would prefer if this box did not touch your bulbous bag!” said the King.

“Then have somebody else get the damn box!” said Houtz as he plopped the box next to the King.

The king opened the box. Inside it were two gold helmets with blue colored glass that covered the eyes. On the forehead of each helmet had three colored stones that formed the shape of a V. One large diamond was on each side of the helmet, where the ear holes would be.

“Whoa, what are those?!” squealed Tone with excitement.

“These are magical PR helmets: Parallel Reality. These are gateways to all the discovered parallel realms. They allow you to move around and interact. You can’t manipulate objects in these realms. You can communicate, and you can use your magic, but you can’t make any physical contact. Be aware that you can kill and be killed, so please be responsible. Find that creature, destroy it, and come back!” instructed the King

“How will I know where the shit monster will be?” asked Tone.

“Don’t a worry about a it!” said Bae, “I a got you!”

“Man, you still talking like?” said Tone.

“A yes, It a fucking sucks. I a will never smoke a that shit a again!”

“Alright Miike, we are going to lower you down. Then you are going to have to drink this potion which will knock you out temporarily. We will tie you to the table. Then we will let Tone and Bae get to work. Ok?” said the King.

They slowly lowered Miike. They allowed him a few seconds to get his bearings and walked him over to the table. It didn’t really look like a table to Miike. It looked like some kind of sex throne. The table had a hole to put his face in and 2 shackles for his hands on each side. Underneath were two pads to rest his knees on. They were spread apart and accompanied by steel rings to pass rope through.

“Just to make shawr. You guys awrn’t gonna gang rape me, right?” said Miike.

“Here, a drink a this.” Bae handed Miike the potion. He drank it and positioned himself on the sex throne.

Mattias and SirTon fastened the shackles and tied his legs. Miike passed out with his ass wide open.

“Listen up guys! Prepare for battle.”

“What do you mean?” said Vero, “I thought they were gonna kill him in the spirit realm or some shit.”

“That is the first step. That is how we get that son-of-a-bitch out of your friend. That thing is gonna exit and it is gonna be pissed. We need to be ready.” Said the King.

“Fucking nice! Where is my fucking axe? I am about fuck this shit up!” said Vero.

Owt’Houtz pulled a lever on his wagon. Blades popped out of the rims and two spikes popped out of the front. He then proceeded to affix a weapon that looked like a ladies’ brassiere with giant spikes, to his enormous testes.

Kreepay SirTon removed his guitar from its case and twisted the neck, a giant blade shot out of each side of its body, the wood casing falling to the floor. What remained looked like a two-bladed scythe.

“A chord’ing to some people, I really shred with this thing!” said SirTon with his tongue planted firmly in cheek.

“Gay!” responded Vero.

Mattias slung his quiver over his shoulder, loaded his crossbow and pointed it directly at Miike’s precious flower. The king unsheathed his sword. Tone and Bae put on their helmets and prepared for their journey beyond.

“Alright a tone. Press each diamond on the a helmet at a the same a time. When I say a go… Alright, a go!” ordered Bae.

They both pressed the diamonds at the same time, and the precious stones on their foreheads began to glow.

“Pheeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwmmm!” was the only noise Tone could muster to make as all the known universes passed before his eyes. His mind was racing as it had a hard time processing this instantaneous information dump. Then he was at peace. He found himself in what felt like a dream. He was standing on a green glowing translucent grid in the middle of what looked like a thunderstorm. “Now what?” he said.

“We call the beast and kick its ass!” said Bae.

“Hey, you are speaking right again!” said Tone.

“Oh yeah…cool! Are you ready for this fight? Firebolts, electro balls, and air blades will be your best bet. This thing will be big and fast.”

Tone gulped and said, “…Okay…”

Bae raised both of his arms in front of him and drew a circle with his fingers in the air.

Ballzack….erectus…scrotominous!” said Bae as the circle produced a three-dimensional funnel that extended to his lips. Bae spoke into the funnel “The Baer Aseur is a piece of shit!” he said into the newly formed mouthpiece.

The thunderstorm that surrounded them intensified. The lighting began striking the grid in a specific location. A portal began to form out of thin air.

“Stupid humans. How dare you insult the master!” a voice cackled from the blackhole. A brown chunky creature began slithering in from the darkness. When it fully emerged, it appeared to be close to 30 feet long, It had six arms with long blades at the tip of each. Its mouth was endless rows of teeth and two beady glowing red eyes. It coiled up like a snake ready to strike.

“This thing looks like a damn shitapede!” said Tone.

“Prepare to die!” said the shit snake.

Houruken…houruken…houruken!” yelled out Bae’s as he summoned a steady stream of electro balls and hurled them at the foul beast. The ‘crap-aconda‘ dodged the first few as it slithered about. Luckily, one made a direct hit, searing off one of the monster’s arms. “Five more arms to go.” Bae thought to himself.

Tone put his hands in front and wiggled his fingers. He moved them in opposite directions, leaving a trail of magically charged particles- it was as if he was drawing a half circle in front of him. Tone said out loud- “Spiritcus fingerus!”and the beam solidified into sharp metal that resembled a rounded-off guillotine blade. It shot straight up into the air, like Tone’s morning wood, and came flying back down to earth at incredible speed. It lopped off the ‘Corn Kraken’s‘” top arm and half of the arm underneath it, as the blade disappeared into the great unknown.

“Three more. Bae thought to himself, as the tail of the monster swung at him; flinging him towards the end of the grid and dangerously close the walls of thunder. He wasn’t sure what would happen if he hit them, but he wasn’t about to find out. With Bae’s amazing reaction time, he was able to transform his hand into an eagle talon and dug into the grid, thus stopping his forward momentum. This use of this talon gave Bae an idea.

“Alright you big motherfucker!” Tone stood in front of his foe. He was gonna end this right here, right now, or maybe not.

Patrius faleious buffa’la genitalius!!” shouted Tone, as his fingers began to glow solid beams of energy shot out of his hands. The beams were way too powerful and lost control. By sheer luck, one of the beams sliced off one of the creatures arms before the beam shifted towards Tone’s feet shooting Tone 60 feet in the air, mere feet from the electrified clouds above them. “Oh, shit! That’s a hell of a fall!” Tone thought to himself. “This gonna suck!” Now he could feel what felt like two claws grab into his shoulder “Holy Shit, you’re a fucking WarVulture! I thought that spell was lost thousands of years ago!” The WarVulture spell had been outlawed. Tone remembered in books he had read, about ancient gods coming from the sky and giving a group of mercenaries the ability to change into these steel-plated winged-beasts with razor sharp feathers and eyes that shot fire. If he remembered it correctly, it wasn’t a spell at all. They transformed into creatures. Like a werewolf? “What the fuck?”

“Let’s end this motherfucker,” said Bae. “I ain’t got all day.. Do you know the Anvil of Annihilation spell?” he asked Tone.

As the concerned beast looked up , opened it’s brown liquid -spewing-dirty hole of mouth. The sound it made resembled the roar of a lion with wet shit splatting against a marble wall and smelled like Vero’s farts. “I am going to position you after that things head and drop you. Aim for the head. If you hit, we win. Game over!” said Bae.

“We got this said!” said Tone “Cunnilingus klitteroris!” he shouted. As his body was surrounded by a layer of energy that formed the shape of an anvil.

“3-2-1” said Bae, just as he was directly of the beast, releasing Tone, who could be heard yelling out a battle-cry as he plummeted towards the ground. The anvil struck the right side of the beast, ripping out its eye and pinning the monsters arm to the ground slamming its head with great force into the ground.

Tone rolled away from the beast as he landed on the ground. He was okay, but was the beast dead? He looked to the sky and saw Bae circling above. Suddenly the beast shot its head into the air. It’s remaining eye fixated on Tone. It opened its mouth as far as it would, slimy brown saliva dripping from its teeth. It lunged for Tone. As it fully extended to strike, Bae came flying from the sky and flew straight through the beast’s belly, dealing the critical. The beast was dead, it’s head just a few feet from Tone’s quivering body. His closeup view of the inside of the beast’s mouth was an image he would never forget. Those shit-covered teeth, that ungodly smell- these were the building blocks of nightmares.

Bae emerged from behind the beast in his human form. “That was fucking terrible!” he said. He was covered in beast goo, brown from head to toe, dripping with stink.

“Looks like you are having a shitty day!” quipped Tone as they both start laughing. “Oh gross! A little piece of this brown shit got in my mouth, blech!” said Tone as he tried to spit it out. Now only Bae was laughing. The floor began to rumble and a vortex began to open in the center of the grid. It began to inhale the body of the dead monster, dragging it, and leaving a wide brown skidmark, until it was completely sucked in to the mysterious hole.

Bae grabbed Tone and covered them both in a protective dome. “We don’t want to go where that thing is headed.”



Chapter 5: The Almighty Shit Slayer

“What do we fucking do now?” said an irritated Vero.

“I told you already. Bae and Tone are going to free Miike of this wretched beast. Then we are gonna finish it off for good.” Replied the king, irritated that he had to repeat himself to an irritable little dwarf.

“How the fuck are these dumb shits accomplishing anything in those stupid looking helmets?” said Vero as he glanced over at the duo. They were reciting gibberish, raising their arms and moving about like a couple of idiots. He was completely dumbfounded as to how this was accomplishing anything.

“Guard up, Gentlemen! They have made contact with the beast!” exclaimed the king.

“How the fuck do you know that?!” inquired Vero.

“Look at the sides of his abdomen! See how they are moving?” explained the king. The creature’s movement resembled a kicking baby inside a very pregnant lady’s belly. It was a tad unsettling and disturbing. Vero diverted his eyes from Miike and turned his attention toward the dynamic duo. He noticed Bae was flapping his arms like a bird.

“What the fuck! Why is he flapping his damn arms?” said Vero.

“I have no idea, but it appears to be working.” said the king. The movements under Miike’s skin had become more pronounced and violent “I know this is disgusting but look at Miike’s anus, it’s pulsating! They must close to winning the battle. This is a good sign!”

“Doesn’t it look like a toothless old man whistling?” said Owt’Houtz, appearing a little too mesmerized by Miike’s constricting onion ring.

“Gross!” said SirTon. “Why do you keep staring at it?!”

“I don’t want to, but I can’t stop. It’s hypnotic! Does this beast have mind control powers or something?” Said Houtz.

“No, you are just staring at his asshole for no reason.” Said the king. “Here it comes!!”

A small brown tip began to emerge from Miike’s tender place.

“It’s cresting!” said SirTon “I have seen this happen many times before, except it came out a different hole!”

The brown substance continued to emerge slowly. It began to get thicker, inch by inch. Vero strengthened the grip on his axe. He was a few feet away and ready to attack. The beast log was now about ten inches long and in circumference.

“What do we fucking do now?” yelled Vero.

“Be patient!” demanded the king.

The beast began to taper off and finally fell to the ground.

“Die you piece of shit!!Heeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaahhhh!” yelled Vero as he chopped the lifeless beast in half. “I got you motherfucker!!”

“Bwahahaha!!” laughed the king “Congratulations, short stuff! You just slayed a turd!”

“What the fu–” said Vero, unable to finish his sentence as the entire cave seemed to fill with an instantaneous electrical storm. It disappeared as quickly as it appeared.

*Clink…clink*

“What the fuck was that?” said Vero.

“The beast is coming!” said the king.

“Oh shit! Where did Bae and Tone go?” said Mattias. His vantage point gave him a better view of the cave and all that had transpired. “Wh..wh..when the storm came and went so did they. Are they d..d..dead? Th..the..they were just there, then they were gone. They just disappeared. I saw…saw…saw them, th..th..then I saw their helmets hit the floor.” Mattias was clearly shaken and confused.

“Tone better not be fucking dead, you fucking motherfuckers! This is your fault!!” Screamed Vero, “I will kill–” a violent stream of a black and brown liquid shot out of Miike’s ass, peppering Vero with a disgusting sludge. “It stinks! It burns. It tastes terrible!”

A giant brown snake flew out of Miike’s promised land at such a speed and force that it flung Vero and the king against the cave’s wall. The twenty-plus foot snake coiled up like a cobra, with the tip of its tail still firmly implanted inside of Miike’s rectum. The injuries inflicted upon it by Bae and Tone seemed to have carried over to the physical plane as it appeared to be missing some arms and an eye. Mattias fired a steady stream of arrows at the beast’s head. This seemed to only irritate the monster. It did, however, offer an invaluable distraction, as it bought Vero and the king a few precious moments to gather their wits and collect their weapons.

“You die first!” said the Monster, staring directly at Mattias as it lunged towards him. Fortunately for him, the beast’s sharp teeth and claws were unable to reach him, as the tethering to Miike’s butthole stopped it a few feet from certainly ending Mattias’s life.

*Squeak…squeak..squeak..squeak*

The beast, in extending its body to attack Mattias offered an opportunity for Houtz to strike. He pushed his little testicle cart faster than he ever had before, his bulbous balls jiggling with every step. He was hoping that if he gained enough momentum, that the blades on the front and sides of his cart would allow him to rip through the monster’s belly- killing the beast and making him a hero.

“This is ends now!!” screamed Houtz, as the blades hit the beast’s side. His vision of glory was short-lived, as the blades didn’t penetrate its skin. One completely broke off, and the other was bent in half. The beast, unfazed by this attack, swung back around, trapping Houtz and his little cart in a ring of stinky serpent flesh. It began to constrict, obliterating the cart, and squeezing Houtz to the point where he could feel his ribs cracking, and he could swear one of his balls had popped. The pain was excruciating.

“Now it’s time for a lesson in violence!” screamed SirTon as he planted his scythe into the creature’s skin. This direct hit wounded the beast, causing it to release Houtz. SirTon respected the strike of the beast, so he left his weapon lodged into the monster and grabbed Houtz and lunged out of the way.

The beast now injured and increasingly irritated by the fact that its mobility was being compromised by Miike’s crusty crevice, began to shake violently, trying to dislodge its tail. As it gyrated and shook, it was unable to separate itself, but it was able to jostle the ropes loose that bound Miike’s legs. If it could just apply enough force, the shackles would break, and it could move around freely. While the beast attempted to free itself, Vero and the king mounted an attack.

Vero lifted his axe over his head and chopped down on the beast’s spine as the king thrusted his sword into its gut. The beast let out a painful guttural cry- the rush of adrenaline giving it the strength to finally break Miike free of his shackles.

“Uh oh!” thought the king, as the monster swung its tail, with Miike still attached. Miike’s unconscious body slammed into the king and Vero, sending them flying into the cave wall yet again. Mattias unleashed another volley of arrows, hoping it would buy his comrades some time. The monster, unconcerned with the assault, lifted its tail like a scorpion and thrust it forward, crashing Miike into Mattias. The beast continued to bash Mattias with its tail, repeatedly lifting Miike up and down, smashing them against one other. It almost resembled a horrific sexual position, as every slam caused Miike’s genitals to smack against Mattias’s face. One last thrust finally freed the shit-serpent from Miike’s tight grip.

“Hey, you shit-faced motherfucker!!”

The monster wheeled around to the sight of a bruised and bloody Vero, who was holding a dagger in each hand.

“I’m not scared of you!” yelled Vero as he ran toward the dook dragon, sliding under the beast just as it lunged at him. He rapidly jabbed the monster’s belly with both blades as he continued to slide underneath. He rolled to its side and continued to strike it as many times as he could. The beast swung its head around, but this time Vero was ready, and jumped over its head where he continued to stab away on the other side. The repeated blows seemed to be working, as the creature was slowing down, and began dripping with a foul brown liquid that one would assume was its blood.

SirTon raced towards the beast and pulled his weapon out of its flesh and proceeded to hack away as well. The beast was dying, and it knew it. In a life-saving maneuver, it launched its entire body in the air and came crashing down. It landed on Sir Ton’s legs, instantly crushing them. The force of the fall caused Vero to lose his footing, and as he fell to the ground he banged his head on a rock and lost consciousness. The wails of agony coming from the battered SirTon drew the creature’s attention.

“You little maggots stood no chance! After I devour you, the Baer’Aseur’s army will kill your family and everyone you love!” screeched the monster as it raised up as tall as could. “Now you di–”

SirTon raised his hands to cover his face, knowing he was about to take his last breath, but before the beast could finish him off, an axe blade came slashing through the beast, cutting it in half and dropping it for good. As he lowered his hands he could see through his obstructed, tear-filled eyes, a silhouette of a naked man standing behind the shitty stump that once was a monster.

“What the fawk is happening here!?” said the man, as he dropped the axe, before collapsing to the ground…

 


Stay Tuned for Chapter 6: Oh Brother, Wherefore Shart Thou 

Tannehill Set to Be #1 NFL QB in 2018

4ai08

The eighth episode of 4th & Inches was the Ryan Tannehill Special. The first of several player or position specific episodes, this one was strictly Tannehill! Along with our guest @FinsBroadcaster, we dove into the Tannehill Files head-first, and had a lot of fun doing it!

As usual, we took questions from our listeners on Twitter relating to Ryan and his upcoming triumphant return for the 2018 campaign. Of course, we also made Ron answer “The Golden Question”, and I assure you, his reply will astonish you!  All in all, it was another great show filled with laughs, but also some straight talk for those of you who still haven’t quite figured out what we’re really about!

You can listen to the show right here, or find our iTunes and other feed information at THIS PAGE. Be sure to hit the button and subscribe to our YouTube channel as well, where soon you’ll get more great content that won’t appear anywhere else.

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Inside the Miami Dolphins Locker Room

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It’s difficult to believe that only 6 weeks have gone by since the premiere of 4th & Inches – Elite Dolphins Talk. In that time, we’ve gained hundreds of subscribers who know the value of a good laugh, and also many haters who don’t! Our philosophy of fun and frivolity isn’t for everyone. Some believe themselves to be above ‘toilet humor’. They aren’t. Some simply hate life and enjoy being miserable pricks, and believe that it is a perfectly acceptable way to live. It isn’t. Others believe that the concept of foul language exists outside of the arbitrary constructs of their own feeble minds, and that certain words should never be said. Well fuck that shit!

All that having been said, this week’s show was decidedly more football-related than some of the the others. We invited and were joined by Antwan Staley of USA TODAY’s Dolphins Wire, to answer our questions about the inner workings of the Dolphins locker room, and of course, answer The Question™. What followed was a predictably fun chat, part of yet another great show!

We talked about the recent chapters of the DeVante Parker saga, as well as Ryan Tannehill‘s standing in the organization. Other topics included the seriousness of Kenny Stills, Kenyan Drake‘s readiness as a starter, and so much more! Don’t miss out on this, the sixth episode of the greatest, crappiest show you’ve ever heard!

We won’t be seeing you again for at least another week, so now is a good time to go through our entire catalog and make sure you’re up to date with all six shows and the 10-minute bonus clip series from our ‘Lost Episode’. Don’t forget to subscribe to our channel using the button below! This player contains a playlist of every episode so far-you can navigate them by pressing the menu button in the top left corner (the 3 horizontal lines).

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