Nobody Knows Anything About Football

Well, football fans, nearly a month into 2019 it’s the same old garbage as it’s ever been. A bunch of sexless, know-it-all dipshits online try to tell you what to think or feel about your team. To begin with, you don’t need someone to help you form your opinions, do you? No, of course you don’t. That would represent the absolute fucking pinnacle of human failure, so one would certainly hope not. You’re an independent thinker, so the last thing you need is a bunch of irritating, dickless, media morons and social sphere ‘smart guys’ dictating your football world view.

The fact of the matter is, big changes are on the way for your Miami Dolphins that in no way will turn out as bad the last dozen great ideas, probably. At the present juncture, there is no one on this planet called Earth who knows how Brian Flores will handle his soon-to-be new job. Not even Brian Flores himself. The process of transitioning from lightly experienced coordinator to experienced head coach will be long, and most likely difficult to watch at times. He will figure things out as he goes, but can expect no help from the man who has brought him this far in his young career.

Not only does no one know how he’ll handle it, or how this fresh new approach to building a football team will fare, but they also know little to nothing about Flores’ plans for the type of philosophy he’ll employ, and what we can expect to see on the field. Which assets does he see as part of his vision, and which are expendable? Only time will tell. In short, nobody knows anything, and if they tell you that they do, they know even less. What we are approaching is a trial and error period for an up-and-comer working with a near-total blank slate. Hope and doubt are currently occupying an equal share of the floor at the moment, where the Miami Dolphins short, or long-term, prospects are concerned.

My suggestion to you, random internet person and presumably Dolphins fan, is to temper your expectations, open your mind, and stop listening to the pretend story breakers, Twitter GMs, and worthless airwave opinion-givers.  If fans obeyed these simple rules, maybe the Miami Dolphins would one day no longer have the worst fan base in all of sports. I mean seriously- I’ve been a Dolphins fan for over 30 years, and I really can’t stand you fucking people. All those groups mentioned above are bad enough, without having droves of ineffectual sheep lapping at their nutsacks like they’re a triple-scoop ice cream cone on a hot summer’s day. So just stop it.

Here’s the good news- I’m giving all you fucks another chance in 2019. Instead of what the Dolphins can do to get better, focus objectively on what you can do to become a fan that even deserves a good team in the first place. Or, ya know, just keep being an insufferable cunt.

A lot of you mentally weak fans wanna win the lottery and then buy your ticket, but there’s a problem with that, slick. You can’t put the cart before the horse, and what’s more, no halfway respectable human being would want it that way in the first place. Have a little fucking dignity.

I’m proud to wear dolphins shit literally every day of the year and proud to tell people I’m the biggest Dolphins fan on the planet, because fuck you, that’s why. I’m also proud to tell whoever doesn’t like it to go suck their mother’s dick. Proud to just be one crazy asshole that loves the Miami Dolphins, rain or shine. A FAN. It’s all I’ll ever need to be, because the name of the game isn’t winning, or glory- it’s personal enjoyment. Without that, nothing that could possibly come next is worth two shits. Learning to have fun at all costs is the basis for any kind of a worthwhile life. I’d suggest you start there and work your way up.


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