Learn the Shit-Talking Game, Son

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I love football. I think it is my favorite sport. Actually, you know what? It’s not! My favorite sport is shit-talking. Football is only around for a third of the year, but shit-talking is a year-round sport. There is no better feeling than getting off a nice quip. In my opinion, real men don’t physically fight each other. Violence isn’t good for anything except for movies. Real men and women (I want to be inclusive) fight their battles with razor sharp tongues.

Shit-talking, when done correctly is sport at its purest form. It requires intelligence, and sometimes a quick reaction time. (Don’t you hate it when later in the day you’re like ‘Ohh, I should have said that!’), It requires a fine balance of a potent offense and an opportunistic defense. That is why rap battles or roasts are so popular. They allow someone to show off their creativity, make people laugh or react in other amusing ways, and no one must go the hospital after. The only thing that gets hurt is someone’s feelings. There is literally nothing bad about it when done right.

I believe that we are living in troubled times. I worry that shit-talking is being destroyed by racists, politicians, overly-sensitive people and people who think they are funny but are not/ lack creativity. Shit-talking isn’t saying to someone “Hey, you’re a fat ass!” or “You smell like shit!” That isn’t funny or creative. That is just being mean, an asshole if you will. Yes, a good shit-talker must be somewhat of an asshole. I mean, these cracks must originate from some evil, inappropriate part of someone’s subconscious. A grizzled smack-talking vet knows the game and would never settle for rudimentary jabs. They know that if they are going to talk shit, that they will need to be able to receive it back. This doesn’t scare them! This doesn’t make them want to punch someone or report them to some authoritative figure. They look at it as an opportunity to retort and up their game. This is isn’t the end of the world, this is a challenge!! It’s on bitch!! Let’s do it!

The mystical art of comedic verbal warfare is in danger. It may be the biggest problem facing our world today. Social media has taken over. In the past, sassy exchanges had to take place at school, among friends or on the basketball courts (Where I used to school fools!) With apps, such as, Twitter, Facebook, etc. we now can talk trash to people all over the world!! You can type some shit, translate it in google and send it to someone in China! How amazing is that? It is wonderful- well it should be wonderful. However, this is all being ruined by overly sensitive people. Good luck making a joke about anything, anymore. Now every word that comes out of our mouths must be analyzed through a sensitivity filter. Make a fat joke and you are fat shaming. Make any joke about any race, you’re racist. This isn’t to discount racism in this world, but let’s stop taking ourselves too seriously. Most humor is based on making fun of someone or something. Have we lost the ability to tell the difference between hate and inappropriateness? I realize I am over-simplifying, but I think you get the point. Softies and some of the apps themselves are trying to censor and ruin good, wholesome fun.

When talking about the sensitive nature of people, I would be remiss not to mention sensitive people who attempt to talk shit. A true “talker of the shit” has no problem making fun of themselves, self-deprecation is an essential training tool, it thickens the skin and helps hone the craft. The “social media tough guys” who sling insults (Typically unfunny variations of your fat and smell like shit, etc.) will make fun of someone: their favorite sport teams or celebrities, with a quickness. However, as soon as they are challenged with a barb wittier than theirs, they either throw in a fuck you then block or tuck their tail between their legs and tattle…like little bitches. I can respect someone who mutes or blocks because they don’t enjoy the shit-talking experience. That is acceptable, and I can respect that, but if you engage in the exchange and then pull some dumb ass pussy shit, you probably taste your own juices when you masturbate. If you can’t take the heat, don’t participate. It’s that simple.

Let’s keep shit-talking alive and well. Stop being pussies. Stop running to mama. Put thought into your responses. Stop taking yourself so goddamn seriously. Stop reading too deeply into shallow comments meant to sting, but most importantly- FUCK THE MOTHERFUCKING JETS IN FIREMAN ED’S ASS!

P.S… To all you overly sensitive, reporting-ass Jets fans: You are fat and smell like shit.

Dolphins 69 Jets (-5)

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Miami Dolphins WIN Longest Game in NFL History

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2016-09-25_185251In an absolutely grueling 7+ hour opening day event, the Miami Dolphins managed to keep their composure, and log a victory to move to 1-0 on the season, and 9-1 in Ryan Tannehill‘s last ten starts. Ryan barely skipped a beat, showing that there may not be as much rust to knock off as previously assumed. Despite a few mistakes here and there, the team never seemed out of control of what subsequently became the Longest Game in NFL History, thanks to a few lightning strikes in the general vicinity.

Reshad Jones had an absolute monster day, pulling in two interceptions that not only turned over possession but flipped the field as well, with returns of 26 and 54 yards. It seems as though the 30 year old safety will not be outdone by Minkah Fitzpatrick, who absolutely shined in his NFL debut. Kiko Alonso also added a third INT for a defensive unit that allowed just 13 points on the day, and his third in a Dolphins uniform.

2016-10-17_132239There was so much to like on the offensive side of the ball as well, with Kenny Stills topping the hundred yard mark and banking a pair of touchdowns, one of which capped off the third-longest drive in Dolphins history. It’s clear that his tight relationship with Tannehill is ready to pick up where it left off in 2016, and will likely result in his once again leading the team in touchdowns, despite the offseason addition of Danny Amendola and Albert WilsonJakeem Grant also made an impact in the passing game, not to mention an absolutely gorgeous 102-yard kickoff return score that went down as the second longest in the team record books.

Add in a vicious and ultimately effective rushing attack by Kenyan Drake and Frank Gore, and one thing becomes clear. The Dolphins reality is going to be far closer to fan expectations, than to the national narrative of the offseason which laughably placed the Dolphins among the league’s worst teams.

We recorded this week’s BRAND NEW 4th & Inches during the first weather delay, and we invite you to check it out now! Hit the button below the player and SUBSCRIBE to our channel as well to find more elite content!

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LISTENER POLL:

[poll id=”10″]

19-0

hope

That’s right, 19-0.

The Miami Dolphins are going to win every game this season and finally bring home another Lombardi trophy. I can’t wait to see the celebration parade down the streets of Knightdale, North Carolina. Okay, maybe they won’t have a parade in Knightdale. I am a man of reason, after all. If the Dolphins, by some chance, lose to the Shite-ans, then we will go 18-1. If we lose the next game, we will go 17-2 and so on and so on. You get the picture. By this point, you are probably either closing the window and reading something else on the internet or asking yourself- what is he fucking talking about?

My point is this: Football is an escape, a fantasy. I realize that it isn’t for the people who play or coach it, etc. I am talking about all of us overweight, over-stressed, underpaid assholes who obsess over this silly game year-round. So, when I say my team is going to go undefeated, they are going undefeated, motherfucker.

“You have to be realistic!”

“There is no way the Dolphins aren’t gonna lose any games! Lower your expectations!”

Fuck all y’all!

I don’t tell you that your kid is gonna grow up and be an ugly ogre and that its head is shaped like a mango, when you say to me “isn’t this the most beautiful child you have ever seen?”

Why do people feel the need to remind others that their hopes and dreams are stupid and everything in life will disappoint them? I mean, come on! We all wake up every morning and face the same underwhelming day, filled with nothing noteworthy or exciting. Then we go home and do it again the next day.

WASH… RINSE…REPEAT…DIE.

“The Miami Dolphins haven’t done shit for 20 years!”

From my point of view, the Miami Dolphins have had 20 years of winning off-seasons! 20 years of making the right moves… moves that were gonna take us to the next level… moves that would deliver us to the promised land!

All these thoughts have been proven to be false. No shit! That doesn’t matter. We can look back with perfect vision and see all the mistakes, some more obvious than others. However, that doesn’t change a damn thing. I choose to remember the excitement of bringing in Brandon Marshall, Mike Wallace, trading up to draft Dion Jordan, or possibly bringing in Peyton Manning. These were, and are, all genuine “feels”. Regardless on how the signings turned out and how we may feel about those assholes now. It was genuine excitement and hope. We can all focus on the end results and slit our wrists (If that’s the case, just stop watching football entirely… You don’t get the game), or we can focus on the process or the journey, however you want to put it , as opposed to the missteps and heartbreaks that led to less than desirable outcomes. This takes me back to the fantasy aspect. If the Dolphins win or lose, it affects our lives exactly zero percent. Don’t give me this  ‘it does affect me mentally and that matters!!’ stuff. Go write a blog about your feelings, you bitch. We all get mad, but if you are punching holes in your door, that is your fault!

As I sit here on the eve of another perfect season, I just want to say to all you naysayers, eat all the dicks and suck all the balls in the world! If others and I want to leave our heads in the sand and hope for the best, leave us alone. We are just trying to live our best lives. We are just looking for our beacon of light in this shitstorm of a world. You may have Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha, or Tom Cruise. I have the Miami Dolphins, and that’s all I need.


Miami Dolphins 2018 predictions:

Record: 19-0

NFL MVP: Ryan Tannehill

NFL OROY: Mike Gesicki

NFL DROY: Minkah Fitzpatrick

NFL DPOY: Robert Quinn

NFL OPOY: Kenyan Drake

Superbowl Champs: Miami Dolphins

NFL Podcast of the Year: 4th & Inches #InchesBetter


Special Announcement from the Inches Crew:

Do you love RDubbles’ work? Don’t be stupid, of course you do. Be sure to tune into 4th & Inches on Monday, as he will be appearing as our very special guest on the first show of the regular season! You’d literally have to be a fucking idiot to miss it.