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AFC East Secrets, Rumors & DIRT!

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The 4th and Inches crew are up to their old tricks again, this time focusing in on AFC East! Some of the Patriots, Bills, and Jets dirt in this episode will SHOCK you to your very core! We talked about Tom Brady‘s “special skill”, how many Bills fans don’t seem to care for the idea of starting Josh Allen,  and the readiness of Sam Darnold as well. We went to just the right people to get the inside scoop on what’s going on around the AFC East, so listen below, and find out why we think Ryan Tannehill will easily best the efforts of his counterparts in 2018!

Whether you are a Miami Dolphins fan or not, you won’t want to miss out on the absolute bombshells that were dropped on this week’s show! Be patient enough to hang around to the end, and you might even get treated to some wonderfully awful jokes as a bonus.

 

Are you new to 4th & Inches? Please SUBSCRIBE to our channel for more great content in the future, and in the meantime, check out our entire catalog:

Episode 9: https://youtu.be/w9bYqtMDY9k
Episode 8: https://youtu.be/oTYAKxkP13g
Episode 7: https://youtu.be/yd7wmsmwYj8
Episode 6: https://youtu.be/Lr5fczuLpvo
Episode 5: https://youtu.be/xoEvBme_MOQ
Episode 4: https://youtu.be/OgJcQFX257U
Episode 3: https://youtu.be/emUe4gT6FLQ
Episode 2: https://youtu.be/BaXgDPp8A0c
Episode 1: https://youtu.be/LnvH2oeHIlk
Episode 0: https://youtu.be/wITXm46b2nI

Talking to Dolphins ICON Greg Camarillo

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On this very special edition of 4th and Inches, the crew is joined by the ONE, the ONLY, Greg Camarillo– the ultimate hero of the Lost Season, and part of the 11-5 2008 turnaround team. It was that team which rose to AFC East glory under the leadership of Coach Tony Sparano, to whom this episode is dedicated with love. He further solidified his status as a Miami Dolphins ICON the following year, starting all 16 games and becoming the only player in the NFL to catch at least 50 passes without a single drop. — You may have Greg on some other Dolphins shows, but you’ve NEVER heard him on 4th and Inches, and of course it is a well-known fact that indeed, #InchesBetter!

Are you new to 4th & Inches? Please SUBSCRIBE to our channel for more great content in the future, and in the meantime, check out our entire catalog:

Episode 8
Episode 7
Episode 6
Episode 5
Episode 4
Episode 3
Episode 2
Episode 1
Episode 0

Prefer iTunes or another platform? Find it all at our home page @ finslook.com/inches

4th & Inches Fan Fiction

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Game of Inches:
Rise of The Baer Aseur

By Rdubbles Von Hogg


TABLE OF CONTENTS (Click to skip ahead):

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3



Chapter 1: A Change of Plans

Cold, barren, a land once lush with trees and fields of flowers as far as the eyes could see, was now nothing more than a memory of a better time, a time filled with hope and the promise of greater things to come. That dirty bastard ruined this magical place and without any resistance, his influence would continue to spread until the entire world was under his control. The months of travelling and countless battles had weighed heavily, mentally and physically on Sir Miike G’tsexi. As his horse galloped upon this desolate land, his mind raced, feverishly, thinking about friends and family he had lost along the way. Suppressing the thoughts of failure, that threatened to derail his crusade to save this land that he loved so dearly, became harder by the day. He longed to return home. The thought of shitting on his own toilet made it move a little. There was no time for fantasizing about being able to bare ass again, he needed to stay razor focused on the task at hand. As the leader of his band of misfits, the remnants of a squad that numbered in the hundreds, was now just three. This recruitment trip to the kingdom of Ghang Ghang would require him to maintain his whit’s, as recruiting strangers to join them, in what could amount to a suicide mission, was no easy task. He knew it would be almost impossible and take negotiation he wasn’t even sure he possessed, as he was merely a fighter, not a politician, but he was running out of time and options.
“Heeeeeeeel!!!” cried Tone in a panicked voice.

As the sound of tattered hooves dig into gravel to stop their forward momentum, Miike yelled out, “What the fawk Tone. What’s wrawng?” in his gravely Bausstonian accents.

“Miike, my bowels runneth over!!” he explained in a clenching pitch. He knew he only had a few moments before the unfathomable would happen, again.

“Why don’t you just shit on the horse again?” bellowed Vero Lowdermouf.

“You shit on a horse one time, and they never let you forget about it.” Tone thought to himself. “They don’t remember what led to this incident. But they, goddamn, remember the end result.”

“Ha Ha Ha…I would, but I am wearing my white robe today.” Tone responded sarcastically, as he hopped off his horse. He reached into his satchel and pulls out some powder, an acorn and a mysterious blue powder in a vial.
“What awwr ya doing?” Mike inquires.

“I am making a smoke bomb, so you guys can’t watch me shit. I don’t know if you guys noticed, but there aren’t any fucking trees left to hide behind, and I don’t want, Vero, looking at my dangling dick!” Tone retorts.

He drops his handmade concoction and exclaims” I shall return…bishes!!” as he disappears behind a curtain of smoke.

This colorful exchange amused Miike, causing him to chuckle, Vero, not so much. He thought to himself “I don’t wanna see his goddamn dick, besides, I have seen it, and I am not impressed.”

This unplanned break, slightly, agitated Miike. It seemed like they were constantly stopping for Tone to evacuate his bowels, but the more he thought about, the more he realized that part of his annoyance stemmed from his slight jealousy of him. Tone seemed to be able to shit at anytime or anywhere, with no sense of shame. Miike and Vero were not so free and clung strong to their “Code of the Bowels”. They could not bring themselves to shit behind a tree or in the buckets offered to them by people, kind enough to offer them shelter on their long journey. This way of thinking had resulted in great discomfort for, Miike, especially. It was almost unbearable riding over; particularly, rocky terrain. Ever step seemed to jostle the compacted intestinal log. Sooner or later it would rear its ugly head, and soon enough it wouldn’t just be Tone who shit on horse. He knew something had to be done. How do you stick to your code, yet detour your journey just so you can take a crap, after all, he was their leader he had a reputation to maintain? He had overcome much more dire situations. He would overcome this one too, he promised himself.

“Vero.” Says Miike,

“What the fuck do you want, my lord?” replies Vero.

“I was thinking. We should make a detour.”

“A detour? Where? Why?”

“We are only a day’s ride from Castle K’nat’ta. Their king is a great source of infawmation, as he has spies throughout the kingdom. We need as much help as we can get, and he may awffa intel that may be invaluable to our quest?”
“But how valuable is this information, if it isn’t correct?”

“Vero, we aw smawt men. We have dealt with this jackass befaw. We can tell when he has useful infawmation, or if he is just blowing smoke up aw ass.”

“If you say so. At least they have a nice pub. I could go for a night of drinking and whoring. Your mom still working at the brothel? I miss her.” Vero says with a smile and a laugh.

“Very funny.” Miike replies.

His plan had worked!! He knew, deep down, that very little information would be gathered from this trip; however, he knew the that kings castle had immaculate bathrooms, with freshly washed sheets of silk to line the seat. The thought of this brought him the kind of joy he hadn’t experienced in a long time. While this trip may be somewhat selfish in nature, he knew that if this toilet basilisk was everything he hoped it would be, it would make him lighter on his feet, which would be invaluable if they come across any unexpected battles along the way. Besides, if he felt like he was going to pop, Vero was probably feeling the same way. Yes, this was for the good of the group and humanity, possibly. Just as he was finishing his thoughts, the wind picks up, completely dissipating Tone’s smokescreen, exposing a naked Tone, wipng his ass with what looks like a clumped-up ball of twigs, moss and dried leaves.

“Oh shit!” squeals Tone.

“Why the fawk aw you naked?” Miike inquires.

“I wanted to be comfortable.” Tone replies.

“I can see your dick Tone!!” boasts Vero as he bursts out in laughter.

“Yeah, you know you like it.” Tone mumbles to himself.

“What was that?” Vero says in an agitated tone.

“What the fawk guys? Can we cut this shit out?” Miike says to diffuse the situation.

Tone heaves the shit covered twig ball over Vero’s head, an action that infuriates Vero.

“I’m gonna whip your little wizard ass!!” Vero yells.

“What did you say? You’re gonna lick my ass? First you stare at my cock, now you threaten to lick my ass?” Tone replies.

He knew that dwarves were macho creatures who were easily rattled by jokes or comments questioning their sexual orientation or masculinity. This was not lost on Tone, and that is why he was constantly pushing Vero’s buttons. It was way too easy and never got tiresome, to him anyways. This did not amuse the others quite as much.

“Faw the love of the gawds can we cut this shit out? Tone, wawsh ya hands and put ya robe on. We aw headed to Castle K’nat’ta.”

“Cool, I need more magic bud, and Vero needs more magic butt…”

“Tone stawp!!” Miike says, cutting him off before Tone can finish his last quip.

Tone sprinkles a special powder, he had concocted, on his hands and lights it. After the “horse shitting incident” he had become concerned with sanitizing his hands after every poop. The lighting of the powder evaporated the shit particles on his hands without leaving any scars, washing with water was a waste of resources and not nearly as effective. Once, he had tried using this same trick on his penis: after a two-day sex bender with a, questionable, female half-orc. It did not go as well as he had hoped. It seemed to fuse her orc juice to his magic wand, resulting in it taking on a greenish hue for days. He was convinced that the color of his penis had changed permanently, but he wasn’t sure. Maybe he should stop partaking in the magic bud, after all. “Nah, fuck it.” he thought to himself and hopped on his horse.

“Can we fawking go now, Tone?” Miike said in an irritated tone. The thought of a being able to use a clean toilet had let down his guard, and he feared it may have awakened the colon serpent, and if that happened, he may be defenseless against it.

The three rode off into the horizon, headed towards their next destination, Castle K’nat’ta!



Chapter 2: A Shart in the Dark

The town had fallen fast. They stood no chance. The Baer Aseur’s legions were just too strong. The strategic planning was executed with extreme precision: Waves of flaming arrows rained down on the small settlement. When they fled their homes they were either captured, or eviscerated by Aseur’s Berserker’s, whose great size and thirst for blood, allowed them to carve someone to pieces in a matter of seconds. They would continue to butcher people, without abandon, until they were instructed to stop by Jhordiin Makk, also known as “The Cleaver’. The Aseur’s highest ranking “War Monger”.

His grisly actions over the years caused men to shit themselves, at the mere mention of his name. His history of bloodshed was more than just mere brutality. He was smart, incredibly smart. Not only did he possess the physical tools and exceptional combat abilities, but he had a keen mind for strategy. He was a rare breed and an essential tool in his master’s success.

“So stupid! This is easily the dumbest place yet!” Jhordin thought to himself. While he wasn’t complaining about this rousing success, he was disappointed that he didn’t break a sweat or get to disembowel anyone. There was no time for personal satisfaction. He had work to do. They needed to quench the fires, collect any salvageable resources, and gather up the surviving townspeople and put them to work. He knew that his master would be arriving shortly, and he didn’t want to disappoint him. You never disappoint him!

_________

“So, do you guys ever think about time? Like, do you think it’s possible to travel back in time or go forward in time.?” Inquired Tone.

“Oh, my fucking gods!! Will you please shut the fuck up? All you talk about is the dumbest shit!” yelled Vero, “You know what I think about time?”

Vero lifted his leg and released a blast of gas that sounded like a squealing pig stuck in a vat of half melted butter. A fart so exquisite, that even though it was vile and vulgar, it was rather impressive, for it’s impressive vocal range was accompanied by a stench that was its very equal! It could be described as nutty and robust, with a hint of curried goat.

“Bwahaha, who shit on the horse now, Vero?” said Tone with excitement.

“I didn’t shit my trousers! You wanna check?!” said an angry Vero.

“I bet you do want me to look in your pants, you pervert!” joked Tone.

“Oh, you goddamn motherfucker!” yelled Vero.

“Maww gawds! What is wrong with you guys?” said Miike. Not only was he tired of their constant back and forth. He was still struggling with his internal gastrointestinal turmoil. He wanted to fart so bad, but he hadn’t been able to trust one for weeks. Maybe just a little tester fart would be okay, but they were so close to castle K’nat’ta. He knew that this journey would require taking some risks. This was not one of those times. He would clench his cheeks and soldier on.

“I see it!” yelled out Vero.

It wasn’t a spectacular looking city- a bunch of small huts, a couple of merchant stands and a pub that all surrounded a gaudy castle that was littered with scaffolding. King K’nat’ta was constantly remodeling or adding new wings to his castle. He was filthy rich, and he owned several “Dragon Ore” mines, the most valuable resource in the entire land. He seemed to have unlimited amounts of money and wasn’t afraid to spend it. How the riches were spent was the real mystery. With such immense wealth, one would think his kingdom would have one of the biggest and best armies, yet he had a small crew of mercenaries- while some of the best warriors in the land, they could easily be toppled by the smallest of armies. It was nothing short of a miracle that his kingdom had yet to be toppled, but the king preferred to buy dumb shit. Artifacts, rare spices, and foods that he didn’t even like to eat, flashy jewelry, and other frivolous things. His castle reeked of excess and indecisiveness. It was as if the castle was designed and built by twenty different builders, as it probably was. While the king wasn’t a tyrant, it was very apparent he was more concerned with himself than the people he lorded over. They weren’t living in their own shit, but they could be living a much more comfortable lives.

“Can we make stop at my bud’s house before we go to the castle? He-he, get it? Like bud, as in friend and as in magic bud.” Chuckled Tone.

“Oh, my gawd!” moaned Miike.

“Fuck you and your entire family!” scolded Vero.

“Geesh, tough crowd. I’ll take that as a no.” he responded despondently.

“We came here with a purpose. Afta we talk to the king you can do whateva ya want for the rest of the night. Deal?” said Miike.

“Totes!” said Tone, as the three approached the guardhouse of the castle in a slow, non-threatening manner.

“Who goes there!” inquired the guard in a firm, assertive tone.

“It’s Sir Miike G’tsexi! I am here to speak to the king.”

“I was not made aware of your arrival, so kindly fuck off!” said the guard.

“What did you fucking say!” said an irritated Vero, reaching for his dwarven hammer.

“Keep your cool Vero!” Miike said to Vero in a hushed tone. He knew if Vero killed the guard, he would have no chance of shitting in the lap of luxury tonight, and that was not an option. “I un’dastand he is nawt expecting us, but please send someone to cawntact him. I am sure he will speak to us.”

“What’s in it for me?” asked the guard.

“Vero will suck your dick… real good!” quipped Tone.

“Ok, but since he is a dwarf it isn’t gay.” Said the guard.

“Fuck you Tone… and fuck him!” yelled Vero as he proceeded to charge the guard, tighten up his fist, and knock the guard out.

“What the fawk?” yells Miike.

“Relax, Miike. By the time he wakes up, we will be done with whatever the fuck we are here for, anyways.” Replied Vero.

“Fair enough.” Said Miike.

Tone was delighted by Vero’s actions. “You knocked the shit out of him… Worldstar!”

For being such an enormous castle, it was ridiculously easy to enter and move about. Other than that inept guard Vero knocked out, there was not another security guard in sight.

“How fucking stupid is this fucking King?! Doesn’t he realize that the world is burning to ash around him? He can’t be bothered to have anyone protecting him or his home? I mean, we should just take the castle and use it as a stronghold against the advancing hordes.” said Vero.

“Vero, if we do that, we aw no better than that piece of shit that we aw trying to stawp.” Said Miike.

“That’s fine, I honestly don’t care. I am running out of shits to give.” replied Vero.

“You have plenty of farts to give, though.” Said Tone.

Vero didn’t even respond. It was obvious he was over it.

“You guys notice that all these paintings in here are portraits of the king, or of him in battle?” said Tone

“Yes, I noticed, but I am not surprised.” Said Miike.

“Look at this one! He is boning a naked girl while riding a horse, as he is fighting a three-headed dragon!” If we conquer this castle I am taking that painting and hanging it in my smoke hut!” said Tone.

“It looks like something you would see painted on the side of a battle wagon, to be honest. “said Miike.

Vero remained silent as they traversed the halls of the castle. Like all dwarves, Vero was prone to bouts of moodiness. When he got like this, the best thing to do was let him work it out internally, then get him shit-faced hammered.

They finally arrived at the doors of the king’s court. ‘There are still no gawds’, Miike thought to himself. “How is there no security. This is ridiculous.” He said as he pushed open the doors, and the trio entered.

“How the fuck did you get in here!” yelled the king. The tall knight standing next to his throne, reached for his sword in an attempt to protect his king.

“Oh wait…I know these guys!” said the king, “How the fuck did you get in here?”

The three approached the king.

“Excuse me, my lawd! We have come asking for your help.” Said Miike.

“In the presence of a king, you should be kneeling, and only one of you is kneeling right now!” said the kind

“Oh fu-” said Vero as Miike quickly put his hand over his mouth to silence him.

“Relax Vero. I know you aren’t kneeling. You’re just short, like a little child.” Said the king, as he began to laugh hysterically. “Not only am I the king, but I am the funniest person ever, unbelievably funny. Isn’t that right Haggy?”

Haggy was the king’s right-hand man. He protected the king, carried out important missions and other dirty jobs the king demanded. He was also the king’s whipping boy. Haggy’s real name was Haag Loor, a dashingly handsome man, with flowing blond hair and a chiseled chin that looked like it could carve stone. Many years ago, he had traveled from an impoverished land, far away, looking for an opportunity for a better life. All those years of hard work and sacrifice, just to be reduced to being King Prick’s bitch. The years had worn him down and it showed in his sunken eyes and lifeless body posture.

The three knelt.

“There, was that so hard? You may all stand! Do you need a stool Zero?” said the king, hitting Haggy on the arm in a playful gesture, as a way of congratulating himself on another humorous comment. “I’m on fire! Alright, what do you guys want?

“Fuck you! You’re a stool!” Vero blurted, sounding extremely irritated.

“Do you kiss your mother with that dirty mouth?” The king inquired cockily.

“Just other men’s penises!” Blurted out Tone. Which he instantly kind of regretted, but it was too easy, and he would have been kicking himself later if he didn’t say it.

Vero was pissed. The King was highly amused. Miike was thinking of ways he could kill himself right then, but he knew if he dropped dead on the floor that his bowels would release, and he would grow a two-foot sewer tail. This is not how he wanted people to remember him, even though the thought of not being surrounded by these assholes anymore may have been worth it.

“Alright, Gawdammit!! Are you gonna help us or nawt?” Miike was so tired of all this shit, literally and figuratively.

“Oh, pardon me, Miike. Did I trespass into your home and interrupt your day? I apologize. I will try to be more respectful next time. I do, however; have information that could greatly benefit you guys. I am a merciful king and will gladly give you this information. If…”

“Fuck me! Why is there always an if. Every goddamn time…if…if…if.” Miike thought to himself.

“…you guys do something for me. By the way, fuck you guys for not noticing that I am sitting next to an empty throne. You guys can’t show enough compassion to ask me where my lovely queen is? Am I the only one who is capable of caring about other people’s feelings, other than my own?” The king was laying it on thick. The bullshit he was spewing was so thick you could almost smell it.

“What do you want us to do? We don’t have a’lawt of time!” said Miike.

“Find her!! You dense idiot! For the love of the gods, was it not obvious? Find my goddamn queen and bring her ass home!” the king’s face was turning red as he became more agitated. “I will give you shelter, food, and drink for the night. When you return with my lovely bride, I will give you so much information your heads will spin. This information is so good, so unbelievably good- it’s the best information ever! Then you guys can get the fuck out of here.” The king extended his hand.

Miike knew that if he shook his hand the deal could not be broken, and if he reneged, him and his companions would instantly become wanted men, which would make their mission that much harder. However, if he didn’t take the deal, he knew this demon spawn in his belly would keep growing, and that was something he wasn’t ready to let happen.

Miike approached the king and extended his hand. The king grabbed it and pulled Miike towards him, a few inches from his face.

“If you fuck this up, you will regret ever being born.” The king said in the most serious of tone. He wasn’t playing around.

Miike pulled back his hand “I’ll find ya brawd!” he said.

“Oh, by the way. The guest qwatters are unavailable. I am building a recreation room for myself.” The king said. “You will be staying in the servants’ qwatters.”

“Noooooooooooooo, that motherfucker!!” Miike thought to himself. He couldn’t believe it. His guts began to rumble, it was if the stinky snake inside him was laughing with glee. Where does he go from here?

“Owt’Houtz!! Show these men and the hairy midget to their qwatters!” ordered the king.

_______________


Chapter 3: A Knight of Leisure

*Squeak…Squeak…Squeak* The sounds of little wheels, in desperate need of lubrication, could be heard echoing down the hall.

“Hurry up, Houtz! Why are you taking so long to get here!” Scolded the king.

“I’m coming me lord..” he replied, as he mumbled under his breath “Ill get there when I get there, you donkey’s dick.”

“What the fuck is that!” Vero blurted out, as he was completely caught off guard by the appearance of the creature that entered the throne room.

“Holy Shit, Vero!! That’s a D’orc. I have never seen one in person!” blurted Tone.

“Mind yaw mannaws, you fawks. Show some respect!” Miike demanded.

They nodded in agreement.

D’orcs were unnatural creatures. They were created around a hundred years ago by a pair of high wizards; not high as in ranking, but high as in stoned as fuck. This bumbling pair of ‘pointed hat dipshits’ were constantly challenging each other. They would shrink each other, teleport houses to other dimensions or make large objects disappear in their buttholes. Perhaps, not all of their challenges were magical in nature. Their antics annoyed many people, but for the most part they were harmless.

Much like science, the magical arts require a certain bit of experimentation, and can sometimes result in interesting outcomes, such as creating an entire race of creatures. One minute you have a small farm settlement- two bong hits later, and a wager that one wizard couldn’t make his penis enlarge to twenty times its normal size- and you have a town full of immortal, blue-skinned creatures with monstrous genitals.

Unfortunately for male D’orcs, their penises are almost non-existent. Their scrotums, however, are massive, and in many cases they need to use tools or other means to keep them from dragging on the ground when they walk. Many of them practice testicle stretching techniques, so they can just toss them over their shoulders like a knapsack. This undesirable deformity made most of them sticky and stinky, as getting a grip on such a small pecker was a challenging task. Most of them just pissed ‘hands free’ and let the urine trickle down their veiny meat bags.

The women had it better, or worse, depending on how you looked at it. Their clitorises were the size of large rats, and extremely sensitive- almost anything set them off- leaving them practically bedbound, and trapped in their own orgasmic nightmares. This was one of the many reasons why D’orcs were never seen by most people. They kept to themselves in their small settlements in the middle of nowhere. Owt’Houtz, like Haggy before him, was unsatisfied with his boring life. It lacked any meaning, and so he sought out a life of adventure. A couple bad decisions later, and he was cleaning the king’s privy and wiping his royal ass.

Owt’Houtz was blue and gangly, had bushy green hair, and pushed a little cart in front of him that transported his balls.

“Thanks for sticking up for me, whoever you are, but it’s okay. I understand that my hefty meat monsters are quite a surprise to strangers.” sighed Houtz.

Tone had so many questions he wanted to ask him, but kept them to himself.

“Mutton Balls, take them to their qwatters and let Mattias at the Weckniird know that they can eat and drink whatever they want tonight, but only tonight! I am not made out of money, but I do have a shitload of it.” said the king with a pompous smirk, while looking at the men before him. He extended his arm to get a fist bump from Haggy, which was given reluctantly.

“Yes, me lord, at once.” said Houtz, as he wheeled past the three men and made a wide turn, as his wagon required a large turning radius, so that he was facing the same direction as they were. “Follow me.” he said as he started walking and squeaking down the hall.

The servant’s quarters were not the worst place to stay. The beds were much more comfortable than sleeping on the ground. The rooms were ventilated well enough, at night it maintained a refreshing, cool breeze.

“I can’t wait to sleep in an actual bed.” Said Tone.

“I can’t wait to eat a fucking steak and drink some fucking alcohol.” Said Vero loudly.

“I just want to drop some knotted rope down the well.” Miike thought to himself.

“Let’s go get fuckin’ drunk!” Hollered Vero

“Hell yeah, and get some of that herb!” Said Tone

“Awright guys. I will meet you there in a few. I gawt something to do.” Said Miike.

Vero and Tone rushed out the door with smiles on their faces. It was the first time Miike could remember them smiling in such a long time. He wanted to share that joy with them, but this compacted mound of swamp mud in his guts kept that from happening. He was gonna solve that problem right now. He ripped off three strips of material from the bed.

“This will make an excellent ass-gasket!” he thought to himself

Miike walked down the halls as if it was in slow motion. He knew it was time. He was gonna get that relief, finally. There it was, the door to the lavatory. It looked like the gates of heaven, at that particular moment. He extended his hand to open the door.

“Arrrgghl Arrghh…move!” Miike was pushed to the side by a big, hairy creature that seemed to be in a state of panic. It opened the door and slammed it behind him.

*Ploooop…plang…pklop…. pakloop…. pleeep…. plop…*

“It sounds like he is throwing old stew down the toilet.” Miike thought to himself.

The hissing, squelching sounds continued. They were accompanied by grunts, sounds of relief and the occasional whistle and murmured song lyric. Then the smell came. A smell so foul that even Vero would bow down in defeat; a wretched odor that smelled like pure hate. If the devil took a shit, this is what it would smell like.

“Fawwwwwwwwwwwwk!” Miike yelled out. “I fawking give up!” There was no way he was gonna use that toilet now. The rage inside did, however, chase the brown beast away, for now, so he decided to cut his losses and meet up with his companions at the Weckniird.

“Vero, we need to make a quick stop.” Said Tone, as they were walking down the street.

“What-fuckin’-ever! Meet me there, you dumb shit.” Said Vero, as he and Tone parted ways.

Tone’s destination was not hard to spot. It was the one house with the mysterious green mist coming out of it, which was accompanied by a strong pungent smell. Tone knocked on the door.

“Who a goes a there. I a said, who a goes a there?” came from behind the door.

“Mysterium, it’s me, Tone!”

A little slot on the door opened up, exposing two red eyes behind the door.

“What is a the password. I said, what is a the password?” said the stranger behind the door.

“I fucked your mom while your dad watched?” said Tone.

They both started laughing out loud. The little slot on the door slammed shut and the door swings wide open.

“Come a in Tone!” said a welcoming Mysterium, as he hugged Tone in an almost homo-erotic way.

“Bae Mysterium, the magic man. Long time no see! But why are you talking all weird?” said one.

“It’s a this a new a magic bud. It a makes a me add ‘A’s’ a randomly when I a speak.” Said Bae.

“By any chance you got some that I can procure for my long journey?”

“Yeah a man. I a got you. You a want to hit some a crazy shit before you a go?” said Bae.

“Does a dragon shit fireballs? Of course, I do!”

Bae pulled out his bubbling chalice and packed it with a mysterious blend of herbs and spices and handed it to Tone.

“Company a first.” Said Bae

Tone lit it up, inhaling a deep breath of the mysterious concoction.

“Wow, this shit is goo..” Tone’s voice trailed off as he passed out, tumbling to the floor.

“Yes, it a is.” Said Bae with a devilish grin on his face.

_______

“Chug..Chug..Chug!!” chanted the men at the bar, as Vero downed another giant stein of beer. They all high-fived each other as Vero ordered another.

“Get me another pint of grog, Pussy Face!” said Vero. ‘Pussy Face’ was in reference to Mattias, the owner and bartender at the Weckniird. He was a Cyplops, a race of creatures with one tiny eye and a vertical mouth. With Mattias’ curly red hair, these features made his face resemble a vagina.

“At least you didn’t call me a ginger pussy.” Mattias replied.

“Get me another pint of grog, Ginger Pussy Face!” retorted Vero, to the amusement of his newly befriended bar buddies.

“What the fawk, Vero, you drunk already?” said Miike as he approached the bar.

“TWO pints of grog, Ginger Pussy Face!” bellowed Vero.

Mattias brought them their beverages and asked if they wanted anything to eat.

“I eat pussy! Even ginger ones!” said Vero as he stuck out his tongue, simulating oral sex performed by a toothless horse.

“We’ll take two steaks, please. I apologize for my friends behav’aw, it’s been a lawng couple of months.” Said Miike.

“I understand.” Said Mattias, “Bruuuuuunk!”

The doors from the kitchen swung wide open, and a lumbering orc, with the grace of a drunk rhino, walked toward Mattias.

“Brunk!” said Brunk.

“Two steak dinners for the gentlemen, please.”

“Brunk, Brunk!” said Brunk as he nodded and headed back to the kitchen.

Miike took a sip from his drink and asked Vero if he had seen Tone.

“He’s probably smoking magic bud out of some guy’s peehole right now!” laughed Vero.

“Right!” said Miike, knowing that Vero was probably the worst person to ask any question at that point in time. Miike took another sip, turned around and rested his back against the bar, observing his surroundings while he attempted to relax.

“I once was single.

I once was happy.

But now I have 12 kids,

Now my life is crappy.

I once could dream,

But now all I can do is scream.

Now I am treated like trash,

And my penis has an incurable rash.”

“Who the fawk is that singing?” asked Miike

“Oh, That’s Kreepay Sirton. He used to be a world-renowned musician, but just like everybody else in this town, the king got ahold of him and sucked his soul right out . Well, to be honest, it probably has more to do with his wife and countless kids, but still, fuck the king.” Answered Mattias.

*Plink…plink…plink…plang…plink* were the sounds emanating from the instrument’s strings, as Sirton seemed to be plucking on them forever.

“Does he do that aftah every song?” asked Miike.

“Yes, songs that should be no longer than a couple minutes can go on for 10 minutes or more. One time he went on for over an hour.” Said Mattias.

“Ok…” Miike replied and took another sip. “Listen, Mattias. Do you have any leads on where the queen is? The king has tasked me with finding her.”

“I wish I could help, but I am merely a small business owner trying to survive.” Responded Mattias. His was response was immediately proceeded by a thud and a bang.

“Brunk…food…Brunk!” shouted Brunk as he wobbled over to the bar and plopped down two plates in front of Vero and Miike.

Miike thought to himself ‘What the fuck is this? It’s a burnt hunk of meat with a singular piece of asparagus on top. How the hell am I gonna eat this crap?’.  He turned to his left and saw Vero with half of the steak hanging out of his mouth, as if he was inhaling it.

“Do you have any catsup?” Miike asked.

“We sure do, and two special drinks to go with your meals.” Said Mattias.

“Cheers, Vero! To the adventures that await!”

Miike and Vero raised their glasses and swallowed the drinks in one large gulp.

“That is pretty goooooo…” Miike fell to the floor before he could finish his sentence.

“What the fuuuuu…” mumbled Vero, falling to the ground shortly after.


Stay Tuned for Chapter 4: The Queen of Farts….